THE BLOG
04/04/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

13 Questions For Which I Expect No Answers

Question: Should we be done with it and elect Mayor Daley's DNA as Mayor-Designate-For-Eternity, thus saving the city millions of dollars in election fees over the coming centuries while dipping into the Petri Dish and seating Daley after Daley after Daley, each a variation on the original with its boxer's mug, its diction all its own, and its snide way of making you feel like the luckiest idiot in the world for having your property taxes raised again?

Question: Has anyone ever purposely attended any display at any Chicago museum that used the word 'Textiles' in its title?

Question: Does Gyro meat come from some rare tubular, boneless animal, and why is it so fucking good?

Question: Should Roland Burris remain a Senator or should he heed the advice of Senator Dick Durbin and Governor Pat Quinn and not be a senator anymore, or should he listen to the tiny Roland angel on one shoulder whispering to repent and tell the whole truth, or little Animal House Roland devil on the other saying, 'Fuck 'em! You got yours! Fuck 'em!' and continue serving his creepy ego instead of the state of Illinois?

Question: Is it just me, or after looking at the big metal reflective thing in Grant Park for about three minutes, you think, "It's a gigantic lawn ornament."

Question: Rod Blagoyevich? Rod Bla-fucking-goyevich?

Question: Is it a directive at Chicago Public Radio that only men with voices as slow, soft, and non-authoritative as puffy baby angels be hired?

Question: Since Chicago has bike lanes on major thoroughfares, can it also get jag-off lanes for drivers on cell-phones in slow-moving SUVs?

Question: Will it ever not be thrilling watching President Obama and, knowing he's a Chicago guy at heart, be certain we'll never have to see images of him in crisp Wranglers 'clearin' brush' on some contrived ranch, and knowing that he'll back among us in four to eight?

Question: Seriously? Rod Bla-fucking-goyevich?

Question: If the Cubs win the World Series this year, thus halting and reversing the space-time continuum so that universe tilts on its axis and lions lay down with lambs, do we have to pay Mayor DNA-aley's latest property tax increase?

Question: Is this the first winter in recent memory to last sixteen-thousand years?

Question: Is there anywhere sweeter in summertime than Chicago?