10/03/2013 03:25 pm ET Updated Dec 03, 2013

The New Concession Speech

One of the things I do for a living is to edit work by serious writers, in an effort to get their manuscripts ready for publication. It's difficult work, oftentimes collegial, occasionally contentious and painful. It is, however, always rewarding because it so often involves the writer's soul and his or her heartfelt passion.

I am paid well for the advice I give.

Just the other day, I sensed an uptick in the possibility for fresh new business coming my way. I began a rework of my marketing materials, to appeal to this new flood of potential business. I contacted my video crew, to start a new YouTube pitch, and began writing some catchy new Facebook entries and trenchant Tweets, realizing that there is work out there to be had. New income. Very much increased income.

Real wealth, even.

With the shutdown of the government, we can now expect many concession speeches at the end of the next election cycle. People like Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, John Boehner, and the other Tea Party congressmen. All of them will need messages of gratitude to their selfless constituents, who helped them fight the good fight against big government, the welfare state, health insurance for everyone, an equitable tax structure, immigrants, fair voting rights...who helped them battle against access to safe birth control and/or abortion for women, who rallied against religious tolerance, and for racism. These concession speeches will be tearful and self-obsessed. Bitter. Angry. Filled with the kind of self-serving drama that I, as a practiced writer of fiction, can bring to what heretofore has been called political discourse. Speeches brimming with their speakers' sense of having been betrayed at the ballot box by spineless turncoats (the currently appalled business community, for one, as well as those otherwise known as moderate Republicans) and all those crummy Democrats who whine so much about fairness and justice. The majority, in other words.

These will be sincere, tear-jerking concession speeches, and there will be many of them.

I'm ready to help these congressmen to write them, and I've increased my fee, so as not to be overwhelmed by the glut of business. $350.00 an hour, paid up front, cash only.