THE BLOG
01/30/2015 01:47 pm ET Updated Apr 01, 2015

You're Invited to My Super Bowl Party!

Friends, I'm excited to have you all over to watch Super Bowl XLIX, featuring THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (!!!) vs. some dumb team from Seattle.

Please note the following rules for the party:

1. You must root for the Patriots. Obviously.

2. There will be no neutral fans allowed, nor those "just rooting for a close game," nor those who "just want to watch the commercials." You will support the Patriots and you will like it.

3. There will be no mention of the following: Deflategate, Spygate, 18-1, helmet catch, tuck rule, Aaron Hernandez, the Welker drop, Bernard Pollard Patriot Killer, going for it on 4th and 2, "Yo Soy Fiesta" or Giselle. (Keep in mind that the TV will be muted if the announcers address any of the topics above. If Giselle is shown at any time, the host may dropkick the nachos into the TV.)

4. The only approved topics of conversation: Pete Carroll being a 9/11 truther, Gronk's shirtless kitten photos, Marshawn Lynch roping off his Lamborghini.

5. There will be no talking once the game starts. No crossing in front of the TV during plays. No yelling at our players through the TV unless they do something unforgivable, like fumble or allow a sack or leave Brady hanging on a high-five. Then really let them have it.

6. If the game is not going well, you may be asked to change seats/stop drinking/start drinking/leave entirely. (These are the kinds of in-game adjustments that helped the Patriots come back against the Ravens in the AFC Divisional Round this year. Sorry you missed the second half, Matt.)

7. Keep in mind that during the party, your host may be doing the following: screaming, crying, knocking on wood, taking off her jersey and waving it over her head, yelling "throw him outta the club!" at the TV, sitting frozen in a particularly lucky pose, googling the referees' home addresses. One thing she definitely will NOT be doing is filling up your drink. Get your own damn drink.

8. In case the unthinkable happens and the Patriots lose, you must leave immediately. Do not make eye contact with the host. Do not offer your condolences. Your host does not want to hear "it was a good game" or "they had a good season" or "there's always next year." She will be curled up in the corner, questioning her entire life: Why does she spend countless hours watching pre-games and post-games and Sportscenter recaps and Bill Belichick picking his nose on camera? Why does this team consume her to the point where she follows Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork's wife on Twitter? (Sup, @mrs75!) Why does she root so hard for privileged, handsome millionaires? She'll swear off football and vow to keep that promise... until next season comes and it starts all over again.

I hope you all can follow these eight very reasonable house rules for Sunday. Finally, just remember the Patriot Way: this Super Bowl party isn't about being together with friends and having fun. It's about winning. So, DO YOUR JOB... and bring guac.