12/18/2014 02:30 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Elf on the... Awww HELL No!!! And Other Holiday Musings

Maureen Sullivan via Getty Images

I'm just gonna say it loud and proud: I am SO glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. Seriously. What the hell kind of madness is that, anyway? It's just too much! You start with him at the beginning of December and you have to work with him the whole month? Just to get your kids to behave?

There are calendars with tons of suggestion for what to do with your Elf (I can think of where you could SHOVE the little guy) from my friends Celeste, Kim and Natalie from It's Really 10 Months.


I'm thrilled that we are past that. I suffered through Teletubbies and Barney, so I think I've paid my damned dues, thank you very much. I watched Comfy Couch with my girls when they were little and we practiced the "10-Second Tidy." I watched Elmo's World where we found out from Dorothy the fish what Elmo was thinking about today. And we sang "Balls Balls Balls, Dogs Dogs Dogs, and Babies Babies Babies" to the tune of Jingle Bells every day. So I'm DONE. D. O. N. E. done with all that stuff.

Okay, end of that rant.

On to the next.

Let's talk about Christmas cards. If you didn't get a card from me this year, I apologize. I just don't like you.

No, I'm kidding, really. I BOUGHT the cards. I ADDRESSED the cards. And there they sit. On my dining room table, alongside 10 lbs. of sugar, 10 lbs. of flour, 7 lbs. of powdered sugar, 7 lbs. of brown sugar and 2 lbs. of baking soda. It's the most fattening time of the year. I haven't done a damn thing with anything on that table since I addressed the cards last week. Lucky for me, my oldest is home with mono. And by the way, THANKS, ex-boyfriend. That was a very sweet early Christmas gift, that mono. The gift that keeps on giving. For 4-6 weeks. I wonder if Hallmark makes a "Thanks for giving me mono then breaking up with me" card?

Oh, don't worry, she's not contagious anymore, so she'll be writing out the cards and stamping them. I'll have my 15-year-old bring them down to the mailbox. And there will be, no doubt, 6 lbs. of dog and cat hair in each envelope. It's a family affair. You're welcome.

I have noticed that folks are cutting back on cards, which totally works for me. I used to love writing and sending cards. Now I love looking at all the unwritten cards alongside my warehouse-full of baking tools that, as of now have all gone untouched.

If we could just have about 1.5 more weeks between now and Christmas, that'd be great. Why the hell was Thanksgiving so damned late, anyway? It's COMPLETELY thrown me off for the holiday season. They started playing Christmas music in June, so why didn't we just eat our damned turkeys in September and then I'd have a shit ton more time to get my shit done?

Bah humbug.