10/26/2012 10:40 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Enough With the Pumpkin Flavors


It seems like every year we have an increase in the number of goods that are specifically flavored or scented for the season they're released. During winter, for example, everything is peppermint and gingerbread. In the summer, everything is PBR flavored. (Okay, maybe not, but that wouldn't be so bad.) From candles to coffees to beers, it seems like nothing escapes these seasonal flavors. But while the winter season is ruled by peppermint and gingerbread, the fall is dominated by just one thing: pumpkins. Pumpkins are in literally almost every f***ing item you will buy from September to mid-November. But it's not just coffees and candles. Oh no, it's so much worse than that...

Jones Pumpkin Pie soda: That's right. Pumpkin. Pie. Soda. You think you like Pumpkin flavored everything? I'd bet my roommate's nice-ass TV that you'd barely take one sip of this before you were lighting your tongue on fire to get the taste out of your mouth. What's even worse is that this isn't even Jones' worst flavor. In 2005 they released a whole set of holiday meal-flavored sodas, complete with Turkey and Gravy soda, Mashed Potato soda and Green Bean Casserole soda. Needless to say the set was shortly discontinued, but the bitter disgusting legend of Pumpkin Pie soda lives on to warn us of the limits of the pumpkin-flavored trend.

Pumpkin Pie Spice Pringles: While Jones Soda discontinued their product back in 2005, the Pringles Company has just decided to release their Pumpkin Pie Spice chips this year. Early testing results yielded one reaction claiming the chips were a "horrible abomination to humanity." I'm no scientist but it doesn't seem to be a huge success so far. We all thought Pringles was thinking out of the box with their Pizza flavor (which is heavenly), but Pumpkin Pie Spice reminds us that not only are they thinking out of the box, they've lit the box on fire, drank a bunch of Pumpkin Pie soda, and peed on the ashes. Yuck.

Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie Vodka: Pinnacle is yet another company known for their unique flavors. With vodka flavors like Bubblegum, Whipped Cream, Cookie Dough, and Cotton Candy, it was inevitable that they would one day jump on the Pumpkin-flavored bandwagon. They describe it as a "sweet taste of pumpkin blended with the smooth, spicy flavor of cinnamon and nutmeg, topped with a delectable dollop of whipped cream." That's just too much shit going on inside a bottle of 12-dollar vodka. Even more, how does one drink this? Shots? In Sprite? IN JONES' PUMPKIN PIE SODA FOR A PUMPKIXPLOSION!? Pinnacle's Pumpkin Pie Vodka would not only be revolting to drink, but imagine if you had one too many and ended up revisiting it in the morning, hunched over your toilet. Pumpkin Pie would be ruined forever, assuming Jones' soda didn't already take care of that.

So next time you're standing in line at Starbucks waiting for your Pumpkin Spice Latte and pumpkin scone thinking to yourself "Gosh darn it, I just love Pumpkin flavored foods," stop and remember these items. Because when you're throwing up your pumpkin pie vodka and all you have left in your pantry to refuel is Pumpkin Jones Soda and Pumpkin Pringles, we hope you think twice next time you fuel the insatiable pumpkin-flavored market.