08/29/2012 12:56 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Robot Uprising Edition


Ever since the Mayans completed their calendar, the world has more or less accepted that humanity will not see 2013. Even the initially skeptical among us are now almost totally convinced as doomsday predictions come true left and right. Devastating natural disasters. Pestilence. War. A TV show starring the Stained One and her mentally handicapped friend. Even the most optimistic will wonder if we don't deserve oblivion for allowing Snooki and JWoww to exist.

Yes, the Apocalypse is upon us. All that is left to find out is how. There are millions of Apocalypse theories, ranging from global epidemics to zombie outbreaks to mutated killer Shark Bees. All of those are stupid and wrong. The world is going to end in a Robot Uprising a la Terminator.

The bad news is robots famously have zero empathy for human life and will find the most efficient way to destroy humanity. The good news is that we can get through this. Together.

Now that you know how technology is plotting your demise, you can take steps to soften the blow. The entire world communicates through Internetting, making us vulnerable to our computers and anything else with a WiFi signal. It's tempting to swear off the web if it's just going to use everything it knows about you to kill you, but it's too late for that now. They already know too much. But! If they're collecting data on humans by quantity rather than quality, we may yet have a chance. Instead of Googling "How to make a homemade bomb," look up "butt porn." Instead of researching the CIA website's security systems for your computer class, look at panda videos for hours. If we overload the internet with pictures of cake and anti-Semitic Youtube comments, the computers won't know what to do. When they design the Terminator units to destroy us, we'll be left with giant breasted Arnold Schwarzeneggers drinking gallons of milk and calling us "n00bs," which is much more manageable.

Assuming our Pinterest Terminators aren't an issue anymore, we still have a long battle ahead of us. Cars connected with OnStar technology will reenact the worst Stephen King novel. Satellites will take a vacation from benevolence and beam us only death. Your Kindle will download 50 Shades of Gray. Dealing with suicide bomber toasters and sweet military drones blowing your neighborhood into the next dimension will be discouraging. Even after we take batteries out of our phones and unplug the refrigerator, we still won't feel that safe. But it's important to fight on and not give into your cowardly urge to get to some place that doesn't have technology like Iowa, wherever the hell that is, and abstain from technology completely. Because robots now have the most important weapon we have, and Iowa is an acceptable atomic casualty. The safest place to be during the Uprising is right inside those military bases, hitting bloodthirsty Roombas with broom handles. Robots are very logical, and will not destroy themselves with our nukes if it means blowing themselves up. Once we're safely in the base, we'll enlist the hackers to play Tic Tac Toe with the military computers.

The Robot Uprising will be a devastating blow to humanity, but only to the extent that losing everyone too stupid to not live in Iowa can be considered devastating. Communication will be limited to talking and carrier pigeon. We'll be back to farming crap by hand and we'll have to get used to the taste of radiation poisoning, but we'll survive. The hardest part will probably be the crash of society. When the world is plunged into chaos, nothing will stop your neighbor from crowning himself King Emperor Overlord Dennis and demanding your shoes as a tax for living on his land. But periodic drone attacks should encourage villages to stick together and sacrifice Dennis to the Robot Gods. Oh, yeah. There are Robot Gods now, based on humanity's innate superstition and the hope that appeasing bodacious murder bots with death will spare our own lives.

The Robot End Times are coming, my friend. We have abused our technology for centuries and we've had this coming since we invented and encouraged the use of autotune. This reckoning is well deserved, but there's hope yet for humanity if we act quickly. If we can stop Stained One, the SmooshSmoosh, the one the Old Ones named Snooki before she decides to make a music album, we can keep the Mayan prophesies from being fulfilled. Superibimus, bellum autpax!