06/15/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Sarah's Subpar Stipulations

She's the queen of the tea party rabble-rousers and does more for lipstick than a pitbull could ever hope to. And while my opinion on death panel Palin will forever remain a secret known only to my closest confidants and a handful of neighbors who hear me scream every time she Fargo farts her way into the day's water cooler circles, the former half-term Alaska Governor has disappointed me to a degree this week I never thought possible.

When I first heard about a couple of resourceful Cal State students dumpster diving their way into the nightly news cycle and getting their grubby little hands on Miss Sarah's contract clauses, I had such high hopes. My giddy anticipation was quickly dashed however when the contents of the contract were soon disclosed.

Skirted tables?

Unopened water bottles?

A Lear Jet?

Pre-screened questions? (Like we didn't already know that after the Katie Couric debacle)

Bendable straws?


Bendable fucking straws?

That's the best the north pole princess could come up with?

Whatever happened to getting real and going rogue?

If your going rate for speaking shrilly into a microphone for a bunch of backwater fucktards is $100,000 a pop, at least have the moose knuckles to ask for some sweet ass swag.

So inspired was I by the lack of the Governor's creativity, I decided to create my own list of demands.

I henceforth require the following provisions each time I am invited to speak to a collegiate audience, one or more tea baggers, or any of the Fox and Friends:

1. A pair of Christian Louboutin ruby slippers.

2. A dirty pair of Bruce Springsteen's jockey shorts to snuggle with while listening to the 3 disc, 30th Anniversary edition of Born to Run.

3. A dozen chilled bottles of Grey Goose with perfectly sliced lemons, thick enough to squeeze, but thin enough not to splatter into my baby blues.

4. A Boston Terrier puppy (damn people, even I have a soft side)

5. A vat full of giant dicks and some alone time.