Director and renowned blowhard Michael Bay left many guests disappointed after inviting them over for a casual, afternoon barbecue in his backyard. Expecting a simple meal, hungry friends and family were met with an over-the-top affair that failed to meet any of their already low expectations.
One invitee, Larry Dean, said he was looking forward to the meal until he saw the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen director man the grill.
"I was pumped for the burgers until I saw how much lighter fluid that jackass was putting on the coals," Dean said while eating a completely charred burger. "The moment he threw the match on, a towering gust of a flame shot 40 feet up in the air."
Witnesses say that the flame whipped in the wind, seemingly in slow motion.
"It was a tad excessive," added Dean. "Why ruin a good burger just for flames and slo-mo."
The barbecue's budget exceeded $125 million, most of which was spent on having three jet fighters fly overhead at the exact moment the hot dogs plumped.
"We could only do that take once, so it had to be perfect," said Bay as a robot servant wiped ketchup from his chin. "I think time will show that I'm a genius for even thinking of cooking with airplanes."
Many guests felt that Bay focused all his efforts on the wrong aspects of the barbecue, though admittedly weren't expecting much.
"He should've focused on cooking the burgers properly," said another guest, Janie Walker. "Sure the explosions were impressive. But without delicious, or even edible, burgers, it was all a bit much. There was no substance to justify such a spectacle."
While many were frustrated with the experience, most were pleased that there was food at all. Past barbecues at the Bay house were often green-screened, with the burgers CGI'd months later.
-Dan Abramson, thehollywoodham.com