05/29/2012 03:35 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

A How-To of the World's Most Awkward Breakups

The World's Worst (a.k.a., Our Favorite) Ways to End It

1. Formal Invitation.

Of all the ways to ditch someone via the Interwebs, the old "Here's a Paperless Post! RSVP to 'Away From Me Forever'" is the most polite.


2. When all else fails, you know you can always spam the one you [used to] love in a semi-confusing way.

Hook it up with Google Voice, get an unrecognizable number, and send out a little subtle messaging-- something like:


Even if he doesn't really "get" the message, he'll be primed subconsciously for whatever method you choose to explicitly end it.

3. Take it old school: Dump Him Collect.

Hey, this might not be the classiest method in the book -- but it's got a retro vibe, so that counts in its favor. If you're struggling for justifications to make him pay for the breakup call, just think of all the things you ended up going Dutch on because of his intolerably low paycheck. Or pretend you're calling from prison (ed. note: bring some crinkly plastic to mock interference. It works every time).


4. Knock Knock, You're Dead: End it with a joke

This one is pretty self explanatory.

5. 'Tis Better to have G-Chatted and Lost, Than to Have Never G-Chatted At All

There's a big drawback to instant message as a form of communication. That's the general principle that sarcasm, while a fabulous technique to add levity during verbal conversation, is often completely lost in digitization. So take advantage of the sar-chasm (get it?) and have a conversation with your soon-to-be-ex that you can play off as either totally serious or a complete joke later, depending on how successful you are at replacing your current to-be-ex. Try a little something like:


6. Whatever You Do, Do It On V-Day

Be the caddiest of the cads when it comes to breakup moves. Text him, call him-- do whatever! Just do it on the holiest of unbreakable days: St. Valentine's.


7. Last, But Not Least: The Tried and True "Annoy Him Into Ending It" Move

No, you are not so desirable that Matthew McConaughey wouldn't be able to figure out how to dump you after a few days of nonsense. Is it because you're not wonderful? No. It's because NO ONE is that wonderful.


Bottom line, ladies: when you dump your man, dump him in style.

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