11/26/2013 01:58 pm ET Updated Jan 26, 2014

Thankful For Conservative Thought?

Six thousand years ago, Jesus' dad formed untold universes in order to designate the mid-latitude region of the North American landmass as the only important place in a trillion galaxies. Everybody knows that.

Jehovah gave us this special and unique country, made free of anything we couldn't slaughter. And we worship him by mirroring his insecure bloodlust and vengeful self-absorption. We are great. Just ask us.

We genuflect before banks and bombs and oil and money. We know lazy blacks and alien browns are stealing from us and preventing us from being wealthier. We know promiscuous women want to gobble handfuls of birth control and send us the bill. We know one minute after conception a fetus needs relief from pain but one minute after birth a child needs nothing except the incredible freedom that makes us second only to Romania in the percentage of children living in poverty. And we know the way to protect that freedom is to give the Pentagon hundreds of billions of dollars to occasionally drone innocent Muslims to flesh chunks so that their surviving relatives will love us.

Yet... if we ever actually, clearly, indisputably manage to see the point of something, we have a media with a vested interest in diverting our attention.

For the most part, we are governed by coy weasels and raving maniacs. The weasels claim to be on a "side" capable of including both humanity and Lloyd Blankfein. The maniacs, meanwhile, are ceaselessly manic. They despise science and reason. Their only genuine idea is to inflict gratuitous pain on the powerless. The president, like all responsibly serious people, is open to the maniacs' ideas.

And never once do the worst among them look up from their obscene dogma to see the thousand and one ways this country could be made better if they only, occasionally, did a sane and decent thing.

And so we stagger on. Surveilled on a level that makes Winston Smith look like Banksy. Armed to the scalp line with everything save empathy. So beaten down with ceaseless bills and gripping fear that we can't even recognize our true oppressors, much less defeat them.

And the dead bird on our table this Thursday might further our antibiotic resistance.

P.S. If you're like us, when you hear Paul Ryan state that "you cure poverty eye to eye" and his advisor that "Paul wants people to dream again. You don't dream when you've got food stamps." the only thing you dream about is wiping away his look of smug self-appreciation with a sheep's bladder full of rat piss between his googly eyes. But it's an under appreciated fact that conservative thinkers have always been fools... none more than their champion.