THE BLOG
06/22/2006 11:59 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

GOP Congress to Live Like Average Iraqis

WASHINGTON...In a stirring display of non-binding election year necessity, House and Senate Republicans vowed to spend the remainder of the War On Terror living under conditions similar to those of average Iraqi citizens.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist took to the floor early today pledging "Republicans will not cut and run from an up or down vote to stand up until the Iraqis stand up and then sit down. Make no mistake, if we sit down over there we'll have to stand up over here. As a physician, I know the terrible damage constant standing can do to knee joints and the entire thigh area."

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, after attaching an earmark allowing him to purchase twenty thousand acres of farmland in Anbar Province, joined in the declaration of solidarity with average Iraqis saying simply "Jesus is the Christ."

There was little time for Republicans in either chamber to celebrate however, as electricity to the entire building was immediately cut off and the temperature inside soared to well over 130 degrees. Many House members, who customarily spend their time on the floor wrapped tightly in the flag, could be seen sweating profusely and begging for air.

Meanwhile, raw sewage lay in the corridors of both the Rayburn and Russell Buildings forcing lobbyists to walk gingerly on their way to write legislation. And a series of explosions were heard coming from the direction of the commissary.

Moments later, a group of armed men posing as Capitol police abducted the entire Oklahoma delegation. A head, purported to be that of Senator James Inhofe, was subsequently found in the reflecting pool. Though positive identification could not be made due to the preponderance of tiny craniums among legislators from the Sooner State.

In light of these developments, House Majority Leader John Boehner said it may be appropriate to "revisit" their pledge. While Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell has introduced a bill with what he termed a "minor clarification" that would modify the phrase "living under conditions similar to those of average Iraqi citizens" by adding a "dis" before the word similar.