I experienced an epiphany recently... I was meditating, and suddenly I saw myself on the 27th floor of a great high-rise office building at 810 7th Avenue here in NYC.
I know, we're not normally creating a movie while we meditate.
This was special.
The 27th floor was completely bare in its entirety with wall-to-wall windows on three sides, a cement floor with all vertical surfaces painted stark white.
I stood alone in this huge room that was over 17,000 square feet large. OK, huge.
I found myself walking the perimeter of this capacious space looking, first down, then up and then out of each window, which gave me an amazing unobstructed view of 7th Avenue South, North and East onto 52nd and 53rd Streets (it's that big) and the pink/orange colored sky, the sun slipping into the West.
It was beautiful... powerful.
Suddenly this space became a metaphor for a major aspect of my life.
I often feel incomplete when I am not in a relationship. Not all of the time, but enough that it becomes uncomfortable and I begin to wonder what I am missing.
Now, standing alone in the middle of this empty floor, I noticed that all of the interesting life seemed to be going on outside of me, outside the windows. It did not begin as a feeling of loneliness, but rather a feeling of solitude.
The emotional part came when, looking around this enormous space, the feeling of being alone without communication with others fell upon me and with it, that all too familiar dark side of solitude. It is not my favorite feeling.
This was the moment when things became interesting.
Suddenly, my imagination kicking into gear, the floor began to fill with people, party bars popping up, food platters appearing on tables and the crowd growing into an enormous group that looked to number about 5,000.
That was an astonishing transformation that took the form of an RSA animation gone wild in 3D... but my awe was just beginning to unfold.
As I looked around at the people that had filled the room, I could not believe my eyes. They were all me! Me in every type of outfit I might ever imagine wearing. My clothes appeared as visual representations of the many aspects of myself. T-shirt and jeans and flip flops, tux, sport coat with jeans, painting clothes, business suit, bathing suit, ski apparel, diving gear, you get the picture.
I took in a huge breath and began observing all of these "mes" individually or in small groups. It pleased me to see that every one of them was involved in interesting as well as vividly engaging conversation with smiles and laughter abounding.
Then, appearing before my eyes in a manner I cannot explain, about half of this crowd morphed into women of all types and they too were all "me," except a lot hotter. Well, I was hotter than a couple of them.
As I stood there, doing my best to absorb what was actually happening, it became clear that this was indeed a huge party representing both the divine masculine and divine feminine aspects of myself.
Wow... not your everyday meditation...
I ventured forth among these thousands of "mes," recognizing and joyfully reveling in every conversation, energetic and dynamic gestures, innumerable changes in manner, mood and vocal tones and for a moment, I became lost in myself.
It was overwhelming joy!
I liked every aspect of the social me.
I no longer felt the solitude that I had experienced just moments before.
I felt connected and giving.
But then it got a little strange, as I began to wonder which one of these people was the absolute "me." They all were! And I was lost among them!
Then I noticed one of "mes" that was standing, more stoic, near the center, enjoying all of this as a keen observer.
This was the real transforming moment for me.
This particular "me" was somewhat translucent to the eye and I saw within him a beautiful amorphous golden core that exuded strength, courage and resolve. I also witnessed great quantities of energy emanating from his wondrous golden core.
The "me" that contained the golden core was at peace. I witnessed all of the vitality flowing from him encompassing every energy that I had ever experienced, while throughout all of this outpouring of beautiful positivity, his core remained strong, solid and stoic.
If you are trying to visualize this golden core, think of it as sort of an interior tesla coil in the form of a golden Oscar statue.
Somehow I knew at a glance that this was the real "me." Now as I looked around the room at the other "mes," I saw many were literally spilling their guts out, some who were reserved with their arms crossed and every emotion in between.
Then I realized that each of these "mes" represented my interactions with others.
Now my focus flowed to the romantic relationships going on in this great room.
I recognized myself in virtually all of these romantic relationships and most of them were the ones spilling their insides out, leaving the "me" empty, having given of himself to the level of loss of identity and exhaustion.
The "me" with the golden core, let's call him the "king," now walked among these relationships and emulated every emotion of the others, yet his core remained intact.
Although somewhat uncomfortable then and even writing it now, it became clear to me where I have failed in my past relationships. I have fallen in love, given so much of me that I have depleted myself. Did she ask for this? Nope. But not wanting to withhold any of my emotions from the woman I love, I gave to the point of depletion and exhaustion. Obtainable but not sustainable. Too soon I would realize that I was losing myself in our love affair and would begin to withdraw. This is a recipe for disaster. It left my lover feeling as though she had done something to lose my heretofore high level of love and attention. I had lost my true presence with her.
Now, as the king walked though all of these major love relationships he emoted as well and as much as I had in my heightened state, and yet his golden core remained intact.
Then, the king looked at me, beckoning with his outstretched hand. As I walked toward him I found my self melding into his being. Suddenly I recognized the power of and the glory of the golden core. It was mind blowing. I felt, for the first time, the incredible ability of giving love so willingly and capaciously, all the while keeping my golden core intact.
Lesson learned, the party dissolved as quickly as it appeared.
Coming out of this meditation, my memory of it remained strong and clear.
It's exciting to me to see what happens when I meet my next loving partner.
My golden core tells me energetically, sans words... you know... that knowing... that the best is yet to come.