The Rules: Dining at Chipotle

Hark, for these are The Rules of Dining at Chipotle!
05/16/2014 12:01 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Listen, as we dispense wisdom of the highest order! Hear, so that your Chipotle experience may never be subpar again! Hark, for these are The Rules of Dining at Chipotle!

1. Thou shalt make up thy damn mind.

You had seven good minutes to figure out what you wanted while you waited, pal. Pick one of the four menu items and go with it. Seize the moment, don't squander it. And don't make me call you pal again.

2. Thou shalt not place an order for thyself... and six other burritos for friends who stayed at home.

Your lazy friends can use their app, and you can save yourself from the hatred of everyone behind you in line.

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3. Thou shalt use as many of their Tabasco products as possible.

If they didn't want me to use an entire bottle of Green Jalapeᅢᄆo on my burrito, they shouldn't have put all those bottles on display.

4. Thou shalt take upwards of 50 napkins back to thy table, and only use but two of them.

Good thing they use recycled paper for them, or else you'd feel bad.

5. Thou shalt never order the vegetarian option when chicken is the same price.

This is just common sense.

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6. Thou shalt order the sofritas (spiced tofu) option once, and only once.

Mainly because you'll appreciate how great their meat is the next time you visit, but it doesn't taste too bad, either.

7. Thou shalt order the guacamole on every burrito and salad, regardless of the extra charge.

They should charge you more if you don't get it, because then maybe you'd stop being such a dumb-dumb and enjoy the best thing on the menu.

8. Thou shalt not say NO to the rice and beans in a burrito, taco, or bowl.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were training for an Ironman and can't eat carbs. If you just wanted grilled meat, why didn't you go to a kebab place?

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