06/27/2012 11:28 am ET Updated Aug 27, 2012

10 Don'ts of Dating Learned From Eavesdropping at a Coffee Shop

Today at my favorite coffee shop in Austin, I had the misfortune of sitting next to two unattractive women who were complaining about their relationship statuses... and yes, they were unattractive.

Don't give me that 'oh you're a terrible superficial jerk' comment on this... you know you have unattractive friends ... They're the ones that you use the word "but" to separate the description of, or the ones that your go-to description of includes either "really nice" or "sweet." And if you don't have one of those... guess what? It's you.

What made them extra unattractive was the fact that they were clueless when it came to relationships... one had just recently lost one and the other needed to lose hers. As they sat and justified that what was going wrong was just "normal," I did the only logical thing... took notes and wrote about it.

Why was their attractiveness pertinent to this? Because they could have been better with tweaks to their attitude. One could have been more attractive with confidence and the other could have been better if she didn't feel so entitled. They were like the ying and yang of terrible women.

Ladies, I want you to take a few tips from me, a guy listening in on a conversation at a coffee shop, as to what not to do in a relationship.

As outlandish as some of this sounds; this is what I can teach you from what I heard:

1. Don't ask him to move in with you and your more than two cats. More than two cats are too many cats. Unless there are personals in Cat Fancy, no normal guy will want to move in with your herd.

2. Don't get sized for a ring after 2.5 months and then hint to him what your ring size is for a month hoping that he "gets it."

3. Don't have more than one pregnancy scare. Seriously? More than one with the same person? That's both your faults ... And if you aren't sure about the relationship, what are you thinking having unprotected sex?!?!

4. Don't force a guy to watch your favorite chick flick repeatedly in order to hope that he gets the message that because Meg Ryan gets the man at the end that you should be together forever.

5. Don't "put up a fight for (your) personal freedom" if a guy asks you to shave your junk. Maybe negotiate for something you want, but it's really not that big of a deal. If a woman tells me I need to shave, I don't argue it and bring up points about apartheid and my right to vote. I just know that I'm not having sex if I don't take care of that issue.

6. Don't force him to take you on "date night." If he doesn't want to put in the effort to take you on date night and be romantic, dump him and look for someone who will. Remember how, when you were a kid, you were told to apologize to someone when you did something wrong, and you would, but it was completely unsympathetic? Being forced to take you on a romantic date is the same way.

7. Don't tolerate him acting differently to you around his friends. If you let him disrespect you in front of your friends, you are an idiot and arguably deserve it.

8. Yes, he is most likely sleeping with his best female friend that you're jealous of. Trust your intuition, especially if you are forcing him to take you on romantic date night. I left out a "don't" there. Get over it.

9. Don't mock the things that he likes to do. If he likes watching sports and dressing up like a moron to do so, let it happen. I am sure there are things that you do that he can't stand as well... but I bet he doesn't mock you for them... and if he does, then maybe your mutual disrespect balances out and you've found your lifelong partner of hate/love.

10. Don't annoy the guy sitting next to you at a coffee shop with your dramatic and terrible conversation. Get a friend that will be honest with you about your life so that that guy doesn't frustratedly go and write about it in the Huffington Post.