06/17/2012 11:14 am ET Updated Aug 17, 2012

Where's My 'Responsible Enough to Not Have a Child' Day?

Father's Day is a day of respect to the men that basically screwed us up and whose actions pretty much forced us to develop into the characters we are today.

My dad, for example, was so conservative that he made me never want to be conservative. Win right?

So here we are on Father's Day. I'm 31 and don't have kids. And don't get me wrong, a few scares and a lot of questionable women later, I should probably have had one by now... but I don't.

So where's my shitty "french toast because that's the most complex thing they can make" breakfast? Where's my card that was written in crayons with candy attached to it like a not delicious Mad Libs with horrible grammar? And where is my section of cards at the national chain drug store?

I get nothing... and I contributed more to society than most dads did by not impregnating a woman.

Think about it. That's lower head count in public schools, one less loud mouth crying-ass-kid ruining your Sunday brunch (because that's what kids do at Sunday brunch... ruin it... they ruin it), one less abortion debate lost, and one less person to live off the welfare system after I incorrectly raise them.

And what do I get in return? Nothing.

Sure I miss out on the opportunity to raise a gay son to fulfill my dreams of Broadway superstardom or straight son to fulfill my dreams of being a bench player on a Major League Baseball team making $400,000 a year or the ridiculous whatever league minimum is... no I'd never have a daughter... come on...

And I do miss out on having an indentured servant who cuts the grass and cleans the house for less than what we pay migrant workers, then develops some advanced stage of Stockholm Syndrome which makes them feel connected enough to me to wipe my ass in old age when I have bladder control issues...

But I can live those things vicariously through my friends... or something like that.

So where's my 'thanks for not making another one of you' day? Where's my 'responsible adults that will lead to the plot scenario from Idiocracy day?

It's just not happening...

It's like no matter how far we've come as a society, we are still falling behind.

Yeah, you're right. I should never have kids.