THE BLOG
01/25/2016 03:31 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Take Them to Dusty, or a Fake Empire

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"We're half awake in a fake empire..."

-The National, Fake Empire

If aliens from space land on American soil in the next four to eight years and say "Takes us to your leader" who do you want them seeing? Perhaps a bloviated Canadian windbag who burned billions of dollars in a defunct filibuster? A reality television star that has filed for bankruptcy four times? A guy from Vermont? In the 2016 presidential election this country needs representation with a proven appetite for curiously, friendliness, adventure, and consistency. We need my dog, Dusty.

Dusty is the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence while expanding his interests of things to eat from bones to tacos and what to bark at from cats to squirrels. Twice abandoned, Dusty has risen from an impoverished kennel system to the celebrity of national traveler, adventure, and friend to all that are not squirrels. He has been cartooned by the New York Times, sat and listened to cancer survivors, drug addicts, a roller derby queen, an eight-year-old swordfighter, a baseball team, a man convicted of child pornography possession, a hitchhiking advocate, and the Suicide Girls, among dozens of other Americans of various races, creeds, sexuality, religion, and species. He has even pooped on some of the finest national parks in our land. Can any member of the Bush family say that? Dusty has marched in the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, been thrown out of the GM building in Detroit, and has been an accomplice in defacing the wall of Graceland, home of Elvis Prestly. That alone makes him more qualifies to be president than Marco Rubio.

Why Dusty, you may ask? Because we live in a fake empire. Sir John Glubb, the British author and lecturer, noted that empires and dynasties only last 250 years, and we are now seeing the façade of American fade. The elephants want to take us back to a time that never was, and donkeys want to deliver a future so boring we will cry. In our globalized world America ranks first in military spending, first in persons incarcerated, but also first in Palins and, seventeenth in reading, twenty second in low birthrate, twenty third in science scores, thirty first in math comprehension, and first in shooting black kids for no reason whatsoever. We are a country that swipes left when disturbed, and we face great challenges with immigration and refuges, the graying of America will expose the weakness of our social security system, an inequality gap continues to grow, the plight of the poor is still ignored, and squirrels continue to mock us on our porches. American need a kind of thought, reason, and accountability that no current candidate can offer. America needs Dusty.

The Dustification of America

If elected, I will function as Dusty's consigliere, his Tom Hagen if you will, and we have a simple plan to lead America into the future:

• A 1 % National Sales Tax

• We will restructure our K-12 education from its current 125-year-old Prussian model devoted to industrialization to a modern information age based horizontal education.

• We legalize all drugs, regulate them, and taxes said at a 20% rate. The taxes these drugs will be reinvested into lowering the cost of "higher" education (pun intended), health care, addiction and rehabilitation clinics.

• Churches will pay a 1% tax that will be used to fund NASA and the exploratory sciences.

• All prisons will be transferred to a non-profit rehabilitation system based on the "open" prison concept in Kerava, Finland.

• All aliens, and foreigners for that matter, will be met with tail wagging and licks, until proven they deserve biting. Of course, if they are into biting we can work with that as long as a safety word can be agreed upon, preferably a flower like chrysanthemum.

• All squirrels will be deported, a wall will be built to keep the squirrels out, and we will make the squirrels pay for this wall.

• When dilemmas resorting to "yes" and "no" choices need to be made (
à la to bomb or not to bomb a country) we will take two pies, write those words on the pies, and whichever pie Dusty eats first will be the choice of action. This can't be any worse than the policies of the current presidential contenders.

America is a plutocracy, a country ruled by a small minority of the wealthiest who seek to reinforce position, and we can no longer afford to go down this path. Why vote for one of these dogs when you can vote for mine? On November 8th write in Dusty. Admit it, you want a dog running your country. If aliens land and say "Takes us to your leader" say "Take them to Dusty!" Our 250 years are up. Humans have built a fake empire. Let this canine build a real one for you.

CODA

Although we emailed and played fantasy sports together, I have not seen my Uncle Paul, in the flesh, face-to-face, in twenty years. He was always a kind and adventures man who encouraged my silliness and tomfoolery. Dusty and I were going to drive from our home in Austin, Texas to his home in Florida this June and ask him in person to be Dusty's running mate for our latest sliver of trouble making. However, as I write, I have learned Paul passed away last night, and although I have not seen him in years, it has been even longer since I told him I loved him. Stop reading this and tell some one you love them. A life with regret is sad and unreal to the things that matter most.