Avid readers of this column, both of them, may recall that a few months ago, I declared that I would be running for president in 2016. As you can imagine, given my track record, my campaign has not made it very far. In fact, that declaration a few months ago was pretty much the extent of it. But never fear. For I, like elephants and people from Quebec, never forget, and I'm finally ready to kick things into high gear.
Oh, I know I have some ground to make up. I realize that I've given the rest of the field a fairly sizable head start, but I've always liked a challenge. If I'd started running back around 2013 like the rest of these bozos, winning the presidency would be too easy. It would be a Monday crossword. I need to make this at least Wednesday difficult; otherwise I'll get bored.
Bored of running for president, you ask? Surely it can't be so bad if Hillary Clinton has been doing it for the past couple of decades.
Well, yes, it can be that bad (imagine having to give the same tired speech over and over again at Elks lodges and high school gyms all over Iowa), and furthermore, I wouldn't want to waste my time on the campaign trail when I could be hard at work solving this country's problems!
I'll pause briefly for your applause.
So why have I decided to rev up my campaign now when, in all likelihood, it's too late for me to be included in the big TV debates? Well, I'll tell you.
You may recall that my campaign slogan, which I have to say I think is kind of brilliant, is "The President With Stupid." But there's basically no chance at this point that anyone is going to hear that slogan and not think of Donald Trump. A few days ago people might not have, but then Sarah Palin had to go and endorse Trump, and the New York Daily News slapped the massive headline "I'm With Stupid!" across a picture of the two of them on its front page. I've already been co-opted.
But the unholy union of Trumpalin is why, more than ever, we need a candidate with real stupid. Trump and Palin can play at being stupid, but one is a billionaire and one was a governor. Please. That's success by virtually any measure. If you really want someone with authentic stupid, you need a hundredaire who has never run for or held any sort of position at any level of government, including elementary school.
Let me put it this way: If you want to buck the establishment, I'm your bronco. There's really no other choice.
I'll guarantee you that all the other male candidates, being the establishment lickspittles that they are, have worn a tie in the past year. Not this guy. I'm authentic. Jeans and a T-shirt, baby, unless I'm playing golf. And if I do get invited to some of the debates and get my face on TV, there's a pretty good chance that I won't have shaved in a few days. That's how you know you can trust me.
And how about those other candidates' dirty campaign money? You have my word that I have never received so much as a penny in contributions from any corporations, and that includes paychecks.
Look, once upon a time, presidential elections were serious affairs wherein legitimate candidates with proven track records based their campaign platforms around reasoned solutions to the problems we face as a nation. And they looked for ways to bring Americans together and create a more perfect union. (At least, I think they did. Maybe it's always been a freak show.)
These days, however, with the wannabe stupid endorsing the apparently ignorant, presidential elections have clearly become a race to the bottom. It seems almost fitting, actually, given our voyeuristic, reality-TV culture and bitter divisiveness. It's hard to say that we're not reaping what we've sown.
But if we're really headed for the bottom, let's go ahead and get there so we have nowhere to go but up. That's where we should be aiming: the place where American culture has been digested and is ready to crap out. And who better to lead us through America's bowels than someone with real, genuine stupid?
So when it's your turn at the ballot box, remember to vote for a candidate who's even worse than Trump: me.
Todd Hartley is looking for a stupid campaign manager. If you think you haven't got what it takes, apply online by leaving a comment at zerobudget.net.