12/16/2014 03:22 pm ET Updated Feb 15, 2015

Intelligent Design and Other Random Fripperies

EIT - Enhanced Interrogation Techniques. This is the CIA's swell euphemism for torture. It's also a portable concept that can be applied to other noxious situations. You're not screaming at your kids, you're employing EVT - Enhanced Vocal Techniques. You're not lying. You're creating Enhanced Storytelling Techniques. And it's not robbery. It's really Enhanced Enrichment Techniques.

THOMAS JEFFERSON used scraps of paper in his bathroom for, uh, hygiene purposes. Some of those scraps are now housed in the Library of Congress. Why?

ADVICE TO ALL LEADERS. "If people believe there is an imaginary river out there, you don't tell them there is no river. Rather, you build an imaginary bridge over the imaginary river." -- Nikita Krushchev

Lesson 1: Emails are NEVER private.
Lesson 2: If you are a white senior executive, email jokes about our black president indicates tone deafness.
Lesson 3: Green-lighting a comedy about killing the real leader of North Korea requires epic arrogance and stupidity.
Lesson 4: If Sony's Japanese owners want to get past their steward's serial blundering, they should employ Enhanced Termination Techniques to their American film executives.

"OPINION is the governing principle of human affairs. Korea" -- Alexander Hamilton

WHERE ARE MY KEYS? I can't find my glasses?
If this sounds familiar, you are an example of intelligent design. Folks orbiting geezerhood have an increased tendency to lose or forget things like keys, glasses, wallets, Rolaids. Geezerfolk also seem to drop a lot of stuff either due to creeping arthritis or just plain fumble-fingers. All this forgetting and dropping may be annoying until you realize there is quite a clever system at work here. Picking up all those dropped items requires increased bending and rising, bending and rising which works and strengthens any number of important muscles groups. Losing and forgetting forces you to walk around a lot, up-and-down, in-and-out, over-and-under searching for keys, glasses, wallets, Rolaids. Walking is terrific for the heart muscle. So what we have here is a built-in, forced healthy exercise program for aging, sedentary folks. What could be more intelligently design?

CARGO PANTS are saddlebags for men, our answer to women's purses. However, seniors may experience momentary memory failure trying to remember which of the many deep pockets has what. Cargo pants are not as popular with some women. They're just not silhouette-friendly.

YAY: the Internet gives me the world at my fingertips. BOO: I am numbed by over-choice.