01/09/2014 05:11 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Then Utah Happened

So 2014 is supposed to be the year of the Von B proposal, but I have to admit now with what is going on in Utah I'm not so sure. Now let me say for the record this has NOTHING to do with how I feel about Vivian. There is nothing I want more than to legally marry my husband. I have wanted this from the very beginning.

That is where the problem lies. I don't want a "ceremonial" wedding I want a real wedding; one that is recognized by both state and federal government. Yes, I know some out there will say I don't need the government to verify my marriage and for the most part I agree with that. After 11 years I consider myself married, plain and simple. We have shared so much, good and bad, over these years how could I not. The older I get though the more I realize how important it is for Vivian and I have the legal protection only a marriage can provide.

So When 2013 became the year of Marriage Equality I started to get excited. I started to feel I would finally be able to marry the man of my dreams. I even started to think about how I would propose and after many ideas finally landed on one. Then Utah happened.

Yes, I realize what is transpiring in Utah is hopefully just a small speed bump, however what happens if it isn't? Everything I have been planning and looking forward to this year may tumble down and I'm sorry that is not fair. I feel this way because if the state of Utah wins their appeal what happens to the other 17 states where Marriage Equality has been achieved? Does anyone really think those states' decisions won't be challenged? I have no doubt they will. What the outcomes may be I have no clue.

So now I sit wondering do I propose or not. Yes, I am aware that I can propose and we can be engaged until either Marriage Equality comes to Ohio or even the entire country, but I don't want to have to wait. And quite frankly I shouldn't have to. I have already waited this long why should I have to wait even longer because some people out there feel they have the right to dictate my future.

My future, who I am allowed to love, or share my life with should not be up for debate nor dictated by any one but me. If I want to marry Vivian, honestly how does it affect anyone but the two of us? If Vivian and I marry it just means we have rights and protections others already have because of how they were born. That to me just doesn't make any sense. Marriage Equality isn't about 'redefining' marriage as some like to say. It's about extending already existing rights to every one across the country. To me it seems like a very simple concept.

This brings me back to whether or not I am proposing in 2014. As much as what is going on right now scares me I will not and can not let small minded individuals stop me. Marriage is something I believe in and something I want to share with Vivian and in my own way I will continue the fight till Marriage Equality is recognized across the entire country.

So I guess 2014 will be the Year of the Von B proposal.

This entry originally appeared on Diary of Drag Queen's Husband.