THE BLOG
05/12/2008 07:08 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Clinton Campaign Reduced to Sketch Comedy

The Clinton campaign has turned out to be as idiotically funny as the current TV spots DirecTV has been running. In the spots, "Cable Company" execs are sitting around the table and the CEO says, "People DirecTV has way more HD channels than we do. What can we possibly say to keep them happy?"

"Allow me to answer that," John Michael Higgins, the star of these spots says, standing up. "We make our channels louder. They're getting, 'Hello, this is the nightly news.' We give them, 'HELLO, THIS IS THE NIGHTLY NEWS!!!!!!'"

He picks up a graph and says, "Our sales are going to go up 800%...800%!" And then flipping it away he says, "This chart is broken."

In another spot, the CEO says, "DirecTV is doing very well with customer satisfaction. What do we do?" Higgins says, "I learned this when I was in business school... when I read about business school... in a book. We can't improve the service but we can improve the price, we can make it higher."

Another guy says, "You know, that's not a bad idea."
Still another guy says, "We can get people with disposable incomes to dispose of it to us."
"...and they don't watch TV."

"...they're workaholics. They wouldn't know HDTV if it sat in their laps and called them mama."

That's how I imagine the conversations must have been for the past six weeks when Hillary Clinton and her brain trust have met to discuss strategy.

To be specific:

"People seem to be hungry for change, what can we do?" Sen Clinton asked.
"Let's make sure we're the candidate who represents the status-quo in Washington!" replied Mark Penn.
"Yeah, yeah," Harold Ickes said, "experience says it all. People who want change will love that!"

"Obama is offering hope, what do we say?" asked Clinton.

"We say we're against hope!" said Penn. "Let's dash the hopes and dreams of a generation of young people who adore Obama and replace it with a shrill appeal to the worst in human nature!"

"Some people are writing that this is a turning point in the racial life of America, one in which the accumulated assimilation of black folks into the mainstream of American life is second-nature to everyone under the age of 40," Hillary said. "How can we make that work for us?"

"We can't," said Bill Clinton, "Let's belittle Obama's accomplishment, tell the public that Americans won't vote for a Black man for President and say that White folks are on our side."

Sidney Blumenthal piped up, "I've been doing a good job sending out these emails about how Obama is a Muslim but how can we maximize that?"

"Oh, I know," said Hillary brightly, "when 60 Minutes asks me about it, I'll make sure I leave doubts in the minds of the viewers that he just might be a Muslim after all!"
"And that's why we love you, Hil," said Blumenthal, licking the bottoms of her shoes.

And then picking up a chart at a meeting last week, Howard Wolfson said, turning it one way and then another, "I can't make this chart work. No matter which way I turn it, we lose...pledged delegates, super delegates, popular vote, number of states won...what do we say?"

Hillary threw a glass of expensive wine at him and said, "We say we're winning. Look, the best way to make sure I'm elected president of the United States is to change the perception Democrats have of the Clinton family and get America to hate us!"

Mission Accomplished, Mr. President and Madame Senator.

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This week Art follows up his series on potential fraud in the upcoming election. The recent US Supreme Court decision to allow Indiana to ask for specific kinds of ID's is beginning to cause other states to think they can block voting rights, looking at Missouri, and other states,and other schemes already on the books to rob Americans of right to vote.
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