I would like to be the first to welcome the members of Gen-X to the Geezer's Club.
The current issue of "Betty's Attic: Where memories of yesterday live on today" arrived in my mail today. It featured various nostalgic ephemera: Elvis merchandise, a Marilyn Monroe Shoe Purse, a Lucy "Vitameatavegamin Wall Clock," a Betty Boop watch, a Reagan wall plaque, various WWII and Civil War items, a Mr. T bobble-head doll, stuff from The Munsters, The Beatles and John Wayne, a "Flower Power Car Magnet Set," and an assortment of vintage car models, among many other things. But on the "Sights & Sounds From The Past" page, next to some Elvis Poster Magnets and Grateful Dead merchandise was the "Kurt Cobain Figure."
Gen-Xers, you've finally made it.
The copy reads, "Generation-X-ers remember the first time they heard 'Smells Like Teen Spirit.' It was a seminal moment for rock--grunge replaced 80s glitter and Kurt Cobain was at the forefront of a cultural transformation. This 7" tall vinyl action figure with acoustic guitar, chair, microphone and music stand captures the essence of Cobain based on a 1993 MTV Unplugged session."
It's twenty bucks.
And for Gen-X, I'm happy to say, "It's all over now, baby blue."
You now qualify for membership in the ranks of those you once scorned. Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome. We've been waiting for you.
Personally, I've been waiting for you since I heard your first selfish whine. Now that you're officially over the hill, do those little problems you were having back then seem so big? You thought you had problems then? Well, think how close you are to having your prostate swell up like a bowling ball.
You're going to be in the unenviable position of paying off the bills all of those Republicans ran up when you were off wandering around in your own muck. You couldn't be bothered to vote, of course, you were too busy being sad. At the same time you'll be counting the days until you have to pay for my nursing home bills. You'll be welcoming your Denny's senior discounts then, my friends.
Oh, it's a delicious moment.
When grunge was at its "peak" (or should I say, "depth") I remember saying, "Hey, call me when you get a real problem." Well, now you have one, more than one.
How are you going to handle this? Put on some Elliott Smith?
Face it, your hero has been reduced to a trivial action figure. No more valuable than Mr. Potato Head, who also costs twenty dollars. Or the Zorro figurine which costs a HUNDRED AND SEVENTY!
Are you finding yourself going out much less frequently and dozing off in front of the Daily Show? And not even getting to Colbert? Perhaps you can put your Kurt Cobain inaction figure on your nightstand.
See you in line at Denny's, dude.
This was originally published in The Oregonian