09/15/2006 01:25 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Hey Rich Folks! We Want Our Money Back!!

Here's a speech you'll never hear from the Democrats:

If you elect us and throw out the criminals who have infested our government, we will put the rich on notice.

We'll say to them, "Get out your checkbook, we want our money back! We may never get it all back from you, but you've had your hands in our pockets long enough! Your gravy train is over!

"We're replacing the boys you bought to run the government, the one's who sent you truckloads of our money, and then borrowed more money from the Chinese and all the others all over the world who saw a good deal...and gave THAT to you, too.

"Not did your boys give you the tax cuts, which let you off the hook while we kept on paying more and more, but they threw you money that they told us was to 'fight terrorism.' We know you have profited from the deaths of our sons and daughters and we're holding you to account.

"They made it possible for you to run the price of gas so high that it's breaking our personal banks. Oh, I know the price has come down lately, but we understand you did that because an election is coming up. We know the price will go over $3 again in December.

"Your boys filled your bank accounts on our medical miseries. Not only ours, but those of our most vulnerable, the old who can't fight back.

"This is going to stop, guys. We're taking back our money."

That's right, my fellow Americans, when we take office, the rich who have stolen our money are going to give it back. Yes, we're going to raise taxes. Not on you and me, but on THEM. We're going to get our money back and they're going to suffer for it.

They'll tell you all kinds of shit about it, but you know by now that they will lie, cheat and steal twenty-four hours a day to keep taking our money.

It's OUR MONEY. We PAID them for the gas. We PAID them for the health insurance. We even paid them to despoil our beautiful country. They don't care. They live in gated communities. They're not like us. They're greedy bastards and their time is up.

If you throw these un-American slime out of office and elect us, we promise to put real American values back on the table: fairness, that all-for-one'ness that made American great. There will be no former Haliburton CEO's to profit from the deaths of our soldiers. There will be no religious fanatics. There will be no mean-spirited name-calling. And there will be no lies.

Yes, no lies. Imagine that?

There's only one way out of the mess the Republicans have put our nation in. First throw them out. And then elect some smart people who know how to put the brakes on the largest robbery since Lufthansa. We're going to become Robin Hood and his merry men. The Republicans have robbed from the poor and given to the rich.

This will stop.

Then I woke up and remembered I was dreaming. No Democrat would ever make that speech.