05/09/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Times Are Great If You Happen To Be A Pirate Beat Writer

It has been quite a week for pirate-related news. First off, Somali pirates hijacked a cargo ship with 20 American soldiers on board. As Obama attempts to wind down the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, it appears this new high seas threat to Americans could send our brave men and women embarking on one more swashbuckling adventure before they get home. However, with the war on drugs smoldering on the Mexican border, perhaps we could take another route in both of these fights. Somehow Obama needs to pull off a crazy scheme to convince the pirates to fight the Mexican drug lords in an elaborate double cross to eliminate all our enemies like at the end of The Usual Suspects. Find a way to get Al Queada in the mix, and we can end these skirmishes for us in one big, action-packed Mexican (and pirate and terrorist) standoff.

If the Somali pirates go down, however, it seems another pirate upstart is already gunning to take their place. CNN reports that Nigerian pirates are starting to copy the tactics of their more-successful counterparts off the coast of Somalia. How ironic -- the Nigerians are pirating the Somali's brand of piracy. Can pirates sue for copyright infringement?

While news about real pirates is exciting enough, the world of fictional pirates was also turned on its head this week. It seems the late Michael Crichton left behind a posthumous novel called Pirate Latitude about buccaneers in the 17th Century. It seems ill-timed, then, that Variety announced Pirates of the Caribbean director Gore Verbinski announced today that he is done making pirate movies and is instead setting his sights on a movie adaptation of the game Clue. Not so fast, Mr. Verbinski. You are the current go-to guy on pirate movies, and here comes a pirate novel from the writer who gave us Jurassic Park. Last time I checked that movie sold a hell of a lot more DVDs than the first adaption of Clue. With the coast of Africa about to explode in all out pirate war and an almost guaranteed best selling pirate extravaganza from Crichton, is it really a good idea to place your bets on a mystery board game? Not in this economy, sir. The only sure bet seems to be writing about pirates. Stick to what you know.