02/11/2013 12:34 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

A Year Above the Influence

I'm Tommy, and here's an explanation of what's going on here.

First post, this is tough. Mainly because I'm stone sober and the words don't yet come as easily as they do when I throw a little liquid or smoke on my brain, the mind-altering fuel that feeds my fingers as they type.

I turned 30 last month, and I realized that I haven't had a completely sober week in my adult life. And in talking to people about my plan to go dry for all of 2013, I realized that my story was pretty common among my friends and colleagues -- so many of us have to get numb just to keep going.

I met Lester in the summer of 2010. We were on vacation in Provincetown, Mass., with our respective groups of friends -- mine from Boston, where I lived at the time, and his from New York, where both of us live now. The moment Lester and I clapped drunken, bloodshot eyes on each other, I knew I'd found a sister, someone who could play in the gutter and not get dirty or smelly. We cemented our friendship over many, many blunts and tequila shots poured straight from the bottle. And while I've met plenty of drinking and drugging buddies in my day -- not for nothing, I did go to college in Texas -- few, if any, have challenged or inspired me quite like Lester.

I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic or a drug addict. I don't identify as either, and maybe you will disagree after you hear some of my stories. What I am saying is that I am a person with problems, and I'm using this year to figure out some solutions with a clear head.

Over the course of the year, I'll be monitoring the effect of sobriety on my overall health, with specific focus on my body, my mind, my finances, my relationship with my boyfriend and my productivity.

Every month, I'll add another layer to my sober living plan. As of January 1, I am not drinking alcohol, smoking pot (or doing any drugs for that matter), or smoking cigarettes (already my biggest struggle, but a great excuse to be a raging cunt at any moment). Starting February 1, I'm giving up caffeine. And on March 1, I'm going to stop looking at pornography (I'll miss you most, Maverick Man). I'm open to suggestions for the following months, but the goal is, by the end of the year, I will essentially be a Mormon, minus the Joseph Smith and anti-gay stuff. Also, I want to have a Sean Cody model body.