THE BLOG
09/11/2014 10:37 pm ET Updated Nov 11, 2014

iPhone, iWatch, iBrain

After watching the promo video for the new Apple iWatch, I now want to abandon all my modern belongings, break every technological dependency and crawl into a cave to live like a Doomsday "Prepper," eating cans of meat and dried bat feces. We officially live in a trans-humanist nightmare: the future will not only be ruled by androids, but we are becoming them. The line where machines end and humans begin will be so blurred that even Robin Thicke will weep metal tears.

How many separate devices do we need for people to get a hold of us? There is already the computer, the smart phone, the iPad and now you can get call from your spouse nagging you to bring home that magazine you keep leaving at work on your fucking watch?! Do we really want people to have more access to us!!?? If I put my phone down for two hours, when I come back there are 19 text messages -- 12 of which are wondering why I didn't answer the previous text sooner. The last thing I want is for people to increase their expectations of my ability to be in constant contact.

Having an additional interface to connect over is not only superficial, but also oppressive. Phones are cool when you want to use them, but the relentless sense of obligation or compulsion to check them cannot be healthy. We need mental space to be in the moment and actually live life away from the distraction of message alerts. This lifestyle where we are "on call" to one another 24-7 takes us away from fully being present with each other or ourselves. I like my phone so I can reach out when I feel like it, not so I can be reached constantly. With Apple's latest device if you leave your phone in your pocket for a minute of peace, then the iWatch will be like "Nope... don't you even think of ignoring me because I am on your wrist motherfucker. Oh, and btw, Becky wants to know if you are bringing guacamole to the party."

Humanity really doesn't need another device to take us away from our own thoughts. Too many of us already have an addiction to our phones -- do we need the seduction of a new device? It's like suggesting to a cokehead they try heroin to take the edge off and fall asleep easier. Many of us know the impulse to check our phone the moment we are alone with our thoughts... which means we rarely give ourselves any real time to think. Unconsciously surfing the web to avoid boredom is not making us smarter -- it's actually making us dumber. How do I know we are getting stupider? I don't know -- ask Google!!!

The Apple commercial touts the many ways the iWatch will actually heighten intimacy rather than interfere with it. For example, their cutting edge consumers can now send their lover little pictures they draw with their finger, or the actual pulse of their beating heart. Call me old fashioned, but if some guy I was screwing texted his heart beat, my lady boner would be so flaccid I wouldn't be able to stir coffee. Who are these people who want more ways to flirt via their appliances? Unless you are giving me a washing machine to sit on, can't we do this face to face? Why not send your lady flowers or give oral sex like a normal person? What kind of world do we live in where getting an emoji on my watch is supposed to turn me on??

How many iProducts do we need? Will all our home appliances soon be created with embedded apps so as to better "connect" with our friends? Will I be Instgramming through my dishwasher and checking Facebook on my electric toothbrush? Where does it end? Are we soon going to implant microchips in our heads so we can have an iBrain?

Perhaps I'm being dramatic. Yeah, the iWatch has a bunch of cool features, but is projecting your pictures on the wall worth the psychological impact? Watch the commercial yourself and decide. Listen to his pseudo British accent and the way he pronounces aluminum. Fine I will too. I will watch it again and again and again, and again... because fuck that watch looks cool. I really want one.