THE BLOG
06/30/2007 02:02 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Supreme Court Renames Self, Resegregates

There was a party atmosphere at the end of the Supreme Court's session yesterday. A jubilant rightwing majority, represented by Justice Alito, made three dramatic announcements concerning the future makeup and direction of the court:

A. Effective immediately the Supreme Court will be renamed the Supremacist Court of the United States. The vote to rename was 5-4.

B. The first obligation of the Supremacist Court declared Justice Alito was resegregation. A colorblind Court should never elevate jurists to its bench simply by reason of their color. Since Justice Thomas had undeniably been nominated by George Bush Sr. because of his race: A. to fill the seat vacated by Thurgood Marshall and B. to dare the Democrats to reject him after their rejection of Robert Bork, he should be removed forthwith from the bench.

Justice Thomas fully concurred citing 'extensive and incontrovertible evidence' that the Framers' 'original intent' had been an all-white all-male Court. "The idea that a black man can sit on this bench purely by virtue of his race is beyond outrageous - it is laughable. Imagine the Framers' condoning such an absurdity..." He went on to entertain the court with an impersonation of an 18th century African-American "perhaps one of my own slave ancestors from Georgia" sitting beside Chief Justice John Jay at the Court's opening session in 1790.

When Justices Scalia and Alito had recovered from helpless fits of laughter at his facial expressions, Justice Thomas grew somber, speaking what would be his final words from the bench with visible emotion: "My fellow Justices - if I have helped bring this Court to the point where it realizes it must expel me to be faithful to its colorblind conservative principles, then my work has not been in vain. My heart is too full for words. Your removing me from this bench will be the proudest day of my life"

In reply Justice Alito thanked Justice Thomas for his 'extraordinary sacrifice for true conservatism' pointing out that the new 'original intent' precedent which required removing him, would also require removing Justice Ginsburg. Over her heated objections the Court then voted 5-4 to remove Justice Ginsburg from the Court. When order was restored, the court proceeded to vote 5-3 to remove Justice Thomas, with Justice Thomas voting for his own removal.

Chief Justice Roberts postponed action on whether the President would be invited to nominate two more white male Justices or whether the Court should remain with only seven as it had been the case from 1807 to 1837; or even return to the original Court's five - which would mean the removal of two more Justices from among Justices Stevens, Souter and Breyer.

C. In conclusion Justice Alito announced the award of the first ever Supremacist Court Medal of Honor. It will go to Senator Harry Reid for his indispensable services in returning the Court to its immemorial lily-white grandeur. "It's almost impossible to express our gratitude to Senator Reid" said Justice Alito, "for offering only the most token - no pun intended! - resistance to the confirmation of Chief Justice Roberts and myself. By the utterly pusillanimous approach you took to our nominations, Senator you more than any other person, are going to change the face of these United States for decades to come. Thankyou, Harry Reid, thankyou. With enemies like you, who needs friends?"