10/18/2012 11:15 am ET Updated Dec 18, 2012

Paul Ryan's Text Messages Utterly Boring

INDIANAPOLIS – While stumping at a VFW hall in the capital of Indiana this afternoon, Republican Vice Presidential candidate and emerging heart-throb Paul Ryan inadvertently left his Iphone on a lectern and departed in a motorcade destined for the Indianapolis airport.

Eloisa Calderón, a member of the facility’s cleaning crew, recovered the phone and hours later handed it over to her supervisor. Before doing so, however, Calderón, a Guatemalan immigrant, forwarded various of its contents to news agencies who were, according to insiders, bored to tears by Ryan’s instant messages with family, friends and colleagues.


This reporter obtained a copy of several messages from Ryan’s Iphone, which are reproduced in their entirety below:


* * *

WillardMitt4U: I can appreciate sarcasm, but let’s give the whole “Stench” thing the heave-ho, mister.

VeepStud2012: Aye aye, Captain Stiff Trousers.

WillardMitt4U: I’m not fooling. I’ve had it up to here with your antics.

VeepStud2012: It’s a cell phone. I can’t see where you’re pointing. Do you mean your neck or your crotch?

WillardMitt4U: Now look here!

VeepStud2012: OMFG! Tamron Hall’s on the phone. Laterz . . .

* * *

DanQ-Indiana: Dont let em presher u into talking about important stuff.

VeepStud2012: Well duh, I know, but how do I get out of it if they ask me about, like, numbers n stuff?

DanQ-Indiana: #s arnt important.

VeepStud2012: Really?

DanQ-Indiana: Geez no.

VeepStud2012: Not cool man.

DanQ-Indiana: Wat?

VeepStud2012: “Geez.” It’s short for Jesus and that’s taking his name in vain.

DanQ-Indiana: No dummy, its short for Geezus H Crissmas.

VeepStud2012: Tell me again that you were the Vice President.

* * *

LizaRyan2003: Can Briana and me go 2 da movies

VeepStud2012: What’s playing?

LizaRyan2003: Argo

VeepStud2012: Hell no!

LizaRyan2003: Y not

VeepStud2012: Cuz its about foreigners.

LizaRyan2003: Aw come on Dad

VeepStud2012: No way dude.

* * *

ChristieGovJersey: What up Home Skillet?

VeepStud2012: Dude!Keepin’ it real. Sup?

ChristieGovJersey: Chillin

VeepStud2012: Right on

ChristieGovJersey: Right on

VeepStud2012: Kick it tonight

ChristieGovJersey: Darn straight. Where @?

VeepStud2012: Trumps.

ChristieGovJersey: On it.

VeepStud2012: Peace out.

* * *

BidenRulez: Noob

VeepStud2012: FU

BidenRulez: Rofl – you got served.

VeepStud2012: STFU!

BidenRulez: Pwned!!

VeepStud2012: A**hole

BidenRulez: Lulz