05/07/2014 04:06 pm ET Updated Jul 07, 2014

An Open Letter to Turkey Bacon

Lauri Patterson via Getty Images

Dear Turkey Bacon,

I remember the first time I saw you. I was starting out on my weight-loss journey and I was in the bacon aisle. I knew that in order to lose weight I would have to stay away from bacon for a while. So it was extremely exciting that I saw you out of the corner of my eye.

I have heard about you before. You are the "healthy alternative" to bacon. I remember looking at your package and wondering how turkey got to be pink with a strip of white. I wondered how turkey could be bacon. None of that mattered to me. I was just so excited that I would be able to incorporate bacon into my new lifestyle.

I remember taking you home and cooking you. Sure, you did not crisp. Sure, my house smelled more like smoke than bacon. I was okay with all of it.

Then I tasted you.

That was the last time I have ever eaten turkey bacon.

Why do you call yourself bacon? In fact, why do you call yourself turkey? I have no idea what you are. You should not be located next to bacon at all. You should be in the cold cuts near bologna.

You cannot put an Apple sticker on a cordless phone and call it an iPhone. You cannot put Mercedes decals on a Ford and call it a Mercedes.

So why do you think you can call yourself bacon?

Have you ever had bacon? Granted, it has calories and fat, but bacon never said it was the healthy alternative. Bacon has a distinct flavor, which is called bacon. Bacon is good with everything, which includes everything. I cannot imagine that bacon is happy with you sharing the name. The name that has sparked people to order meals for years...

"Yes, we have a great chicken dish topped with bacon..."

"Say no more. SAY NO MORE!"

I know some people love you, turkey bacon. There are religious reasons that people cannot have bacon, and that is respected. I know some people who have never had bacon before think you taste exactly like bacon.

But I have had a turkey and I have had a Tofurky. I think you know what I am getting at. Having both at Thanksgiving I never said "Wow, thank you for that Tofurky. Give me more." Now, if I could only have a Tofurky without ever tasting a turkey, that is another story.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not bacon. You are barely turkey. Your claim to fame is being low-calorie but you are no alternative to bacon.

Nothing is.

So please change your name to "low-calorie pink meat" and put yourself far away from bacon. Very far away.

Because there is only one substitute for bacon.

That my friend is bacon.


Tony Posnanski