THE BLOG
10/15/2014 04:20 pm ET Updated Dec 15, 2014

Shirataki Noodles Are Hideous

Dear Shirataki Noodles,

I heard about you from a friend of mine named Hungry Girl. Okay, maybe she is not my friend but I know she was promoting you for a while. She likes to promote those trendy foods. I think she was all about those "muffin top" things for a while.

She talked about you on her page, and it intrigued me. She said you were all the rage!

I have never heard of you and wanted to know more.

You are a low-calorie pasta substitute. While most pastas are well over 100 calories a serving, you are less than 20 calories a serving. That is a huge calorie savings! I love pasta, so I wanted to give you a chance. We all deserve a chance. I wanted you to be the true "pasta" in my life.

When I first laid eyes on you, I was concerned yet intrigued. You were in a bag with water, and you looked kind of like pasta. I did think it was weird I had to buy you already made, but whatever.

I looked at the calories and sure enough; you were exactly what you claimed which is low calorie. I almost cried with happiness!

So I took you home. I read the instructions. It said to open you and rinse thoroughly. So I did open your bag.

Wow! you could have warned me about your smell!

After about five minutes you still had traces of that sewer smell but it was almost all gone. All I cared about was low-calorie pasta. It did not even phase me that you smelled bad.

I should have known not to trust any food that you have to wash the smell off for five minutes. I did not; I wanted the low-calorie pasta dream.

Isn't that what many of us want? We want the cookies that have no calories and the cake that will not make us gain weight. We want the "low calorie" dream.

I wanted to be saved from calories.

You were going to be my dream. I love pasta. I also know that I can eat so many calories of it. You were going to help me. You were going to save me from my "pasta" nightmare.

I should have known better. You smelled hideous. Kind of like a grandfather's fart. It did not matter; I could get through that. Maybe I should have realized it when it took forever to wash the smell away. There is no other food I would have washed for that long. I love pasta. You were supposed to be the one for me.

I could have dealt with the smell if you tasted good.

You did not taste good. You did not taste anything like pasta. You tasted like low calorie slime.

I know some people love you, and that is fine. I do not love you. Not at all.

I am tired of foods trying to be something they are not. You know, an apple is an apple. A tomato is a tomato. Even cake is a cake.

You are trying to get me because you know I look for lower calorie items. Well, I will do away with all pasta before I conform to your disgusting ways. I am mad at you Shiritaki Noodles!

You are gross, but I thank you for one valuable lesson.

I refuse to put anything in my mouth that I have to wash for five minutes to get the smell out.

Sincerely,

Tony Posnanski