funniest tweets

"Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at Home Depot."
"the cat i’m watching rn screams whenever i get too close to her and also whenever i get too far away and i am suddenly feeling a lot of empathy for my ex boyfriends"
“'We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it' OK but I’m gonna worry about the bridge now"
"Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47."
"Trying to take a picture with your cat is like eating soup on a rollercoaster."
"I told my kids to go to bed so naturally they are performing a musical."
"My husband’s version of helping out with the kids is yelling 'COME ON, GUYS!' from the couch."
"sorry i didnt reply my cat was laying on my chest and reminding me that life is worth living"
"For my next trick, I will spend 4 hours cooking a meal that the recipe says should only take me 30 minutes."
"My kid is shopping for a winter coat that will match his shorts and flip flops."