Tweets

"The best detectives in the world are wives. There, I said it."
"When we pack for a trip my wife basically moves out."
"Pisces have strong drunk-girl-that-compliments-you-in-the-bathroom energy"
"The smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try."
"My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended"
"My wife said we need to 'evaluate the garage' so there goes my weekend."
"Never underestimate the memory of a kid whose sibling didn’t help with chores one time three years ago."
"Told my husband I was going to Target for a few things and he said 'like what' and wow, rude."
"If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, then you're probably my kid's soccer coach refusing to cancel practice."
"It’s officially my grandma asking me 'where is your coat!' season."