03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

New TSA Rules: Because It's Post 12/25

After the shocking attempt by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab to bring down an airliner with PETN sewn into his underwear, we'd expect the TSA to do a major overhaul. Like making people on the Watch List submit to one of those scanner searches. Or immediately revoking the visa of someone who posts "Death to America" on a website. But no. The TSA has better ways to keep us ever safer!

1. Passengers are required to remove their underwear.
2. Diabetics, we can't fly you because of your syringes.
3. That kid of yours could be hiding PETN. Check him with the luggage.
4. Windows are blacked out so you can't tell when you're flying over a city.
5. All blankets shall have huge gaping holes in them.
6. No one is allowed to brush their teeth and wash their face at the same time.
7. During the flight everyone has to raise their arms and keep them up.
8. All take-offs and landings shall be a surprise.