The Blowjob Artist

10/20/2015 09:32 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017
A bunch of bananas with one banana sticking up, suggestive of an erection
A bunch of bananas with one banana sticking up, suggestive of an erection

(Please note: I do not condone or promote unsafe sex practices. Each individual is responsible for looking after their sexual health within the context of their circumstance).
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Those offended by satire are advised not to read this article.

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If giving a blowjob is a chore to you, I'm here to tell you that you're doing it wrong. Blowjobs should be a joyous experience for both the giver and receiver. Fellatio does not have to be a one-way street.

To become a skilled blowjob artist, you have to be willing to hone your craft. This means many hours hovering over an erect penis. Enjoyable oral sex, (both fellatio and cunnilingus) contributes to a healthy sex life.

Nothing makes me feel more empowered than having a man's sword in my mouth. My mouth is his master. Blowjobs are not degrading to women, actually the opposite is true! When a woman wraps her mouth around a man's member, she has the power. Here's a list of things that I've learnt whilst honing my craft as a blowjob artist.

NOTE TO SELF: I must remember to add "Blowjob Artist" to my resume.
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ALWAYS WORK ON A CLEAN CANVAS
The subject should always be freshly showered and scrubbed from head to toe. Good hygiene is paramount for explorative oral sex.

GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
I always get my lovers to stand whilst I kneel in front of them. I do believe this is the best position to perform fellatio.

LOOK NO HANDS
If you are a true seductress, your lover should have a hard-on before you unzip him. I like to get my subjects into such a state, that by the time I get to their manhood, the job's half done.

I suggest you blow him with no hands. What do I mean by no hands? Don't handle his john, put your hands behind your back and do all the work with your mouth. I am yet to find a man that isn't excited by the no-hands technique.

ALTERNATE NO HANDS TECHNIQUE
An alternate no-hands position is seating him in an arm chair. Put one of your hands on each armrest, lifting and lowering yourself as you fellate, think push-ups. Believe me it's hot and gets the job done pronto.

WITH HANDS
Each artist has their own way of creating art, but I don't do anything with my hands that can be done with my tongue. Hands come in handy when you need to come up for air, a gentle hand-job whilst you catch your breath can be a lifesaver.

BLOWJOBS WITH A CONDOM
Latex tastes horrible. When giving a blowjob with a condom use a flavored one. Blowjobs with a condom do not have to suck (pardon the pun.) Make it fun; put the condom on his manhood with your mouth. For info on how to do this, visit Sir. Google, not Sir. Gurgle.

BLOWJOBS WITHOUT A CONDOM
One can really exhibit their artistry here. Confidence is key. Don't just kneel there and wait for direction. Take control. Ravage it. Enjoy it. Suck that joystick like your life depends on it. How can you possibly get yourself promoted to the prestigious position of "The Blowjob Artist" if you don't show enthusiasm?

GAG
I may be taking feminism back a hundred years but gagging is sexy to most men. They like to see you choking on them. I like to see a man choking on my vagina too, so all is fair in love and war.

TO SPIT OR TO SWALLOW, THAT IS THE QUESTION
I prefer swallowing because I'm naughty, but many women find the taste of semen puke-worthy. Pineapple juice is your answer. Pineapple juice and apple juice sweetens the taste of semen and this is a fact. Plus if you are on a diet, an ejaculation only contains around 20 calories. You can swallow and still remain trim. Go figure!

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Some women know their way around a kitchen and others know their way around a career. I blissfully know my way around a penis. Practice makes perfect. I am an advocate for sex-positive attitudes. I am an advocate for blowjobs that can be enjoyed by the giver and receiver. I am an advocate for women embracing their fierce sexualities without shame.

My name is Vanessa and I am a blowjob artist.

Vanessa de Largie is an actress, author, writer and sex-blogger.
Visit her website here
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