To Touch or Not to Touch

01/24/2012 04:14 pm ET Updated Mar 25, 2012

Have you ever heard the term sex-positivity? Prior to moving to San Francisco, I had never heard it before. In fact, most people don't actually talk about sex a whole lot. Most of our introduction to sex as children and throughout adulthood is sex-negative. Sex is something we don't talk about as a society.

I believe all of this sex-negativity has a hand in sex crimes and sexual deviance. The more forbidden you make something, the stranger human beings can get with their behavior. My community is a sex-positive one, and we do not shy away from sex parties, sexually themed clubs, dinners, and lifestyles in general. We call these venues "play spaces," and with this privilege comes great responsibility. We don't just get a bunch of people together in a sexual environment and let them run wild. There are rules and boundaries that need to be observed. All of these venues have a list of rules and a code of conduct. Being sexually open does not give you the right to be aggressive with someone. Even at a sex party, a no is still a no.

In my travels of the United States for my second book, I decided I wanted to look into this phenomena: I want to see how other cities and states handled their communities. I spent a year investigating San Francisco, and everyone says we live in a bubble here, so I want to see just how true this is.

I went to San Diego in December of last year to see what sexy San Diego looked like. My first night was spent in regular bars that had no sexual undertones, and it was the first time I had been uncomfortable going out in a long time. Men had absolutely no fear of touching you. Quite the contrary! They felt it was their right. Just walking through the crowd was met with annoyance and violations.

To make matters worse, we had some joker with us who made it his duty to convince me of the sex we should be having. It eventually escalated to him saying that he was going to "fuck the shit out of me whether I liked it or not, but I was going to like it." I stood in utter shock, and before I began to yell, all I could think was, "Is this a joke?" I was aghast and ready to leave.

The next night I went to check out a nightclub called Boudoir, which is a nightclub in San Diego with a BDSM theme to it. It is split into many levels, and it is very well done. I went up to the BDSM room and had my session with Daniella Deviant, the house mistress. She did a great job, and she knew what she was doing. All safety precautions were met, and I had no complaints. After this I went to enjoy the rest of the club, and this was when the trouble began.

A funny thing happens when you give people a lot of liquor and a sexually charged environment with no rules or boundaries: aggressive male behavior happens, and it happens really quickly. It is much like a mob mentality, and everyone begins to misbehave given the opportunity. I was grabbed, touched, and pulled, and it was every part of my body: my ass, my boobs, my waist, and this was serious touching. I saw this happening all over the dance floor and with my female companions for the night. Respect was nowhere to be found. I understand that an establishment is not responsible for the behavior of its patrons, but at the same time they shouldn't fuel it.

I have noticed that in most bars, men seem to only fear being thrown out when a fist fight breaks out. They don't seem to get 86ed for grabbing an ass or pushing themselves into some girls tits. Why is that? I think that this club should have a code of conduct like the clubs in San Francisco. Upon my return home, I wrote up the experience for my blog. I sent it to the general manager, and he contacted me straight away. He said he loved the piece, and he agreed that a code of conduct should exist. He is now going to establish this at Boudoir in order to help with male aggressive behavior.

I do recognize the fact that I live in a bubble here in San Francisco, but I want that bubble to spread. I am committed to social change. The management at Boudoir gave me hope for the rest of the country. I hope you stay with me folks.