10/10/2012 01:53 pm ET Updated Dec 10, 2012

Animal Behavior

Dear Mr. Mellon,

I am going to give you ten arguments, among millions, in no particular order, why you are so full of shit when it comes your central theme that a Human Being is just another animal, just another "work in progress" as you so glibly call it. The distance between humans and every other lifeform is so vast that to argue we are all One is to argue that a flea and a kangaroo are One because they both jump, or that a minnow and a whale are One because they both swim. We human beings are God's answer to the question, What is your dream? I submit the tip of the iceberg of my evidence.

1. Walking On The Moon --

2. Ecstacy --

3.The Beatles --

4.Satellite Internet --

5.All Sciences Fighting Death --

6.The Pyramids, Suspension Bridges, The Taj Mahal, Dubai etc. --

7.Weeping At Beauty --

8.Broadway Musicals --

9.Machinery That Makes The Tiny Cogs In Timepieces --

10.All Religions --

I await your rebuttal.

Yours Truly,

Headley Smith Esq.

Dear Headley,

Very nice Top Ten, very very nice. Except for Broadway Musicals. I enjoyed Cats, but I doubt I'd place it on my Top Ten List of human achievements. Did you ever see True West? Not a musical but that Sam Shepard is an interesting guy. Anyway, your Top Ten makes an impressive and strong argument for your position that human beings, because we're so darn smart, have leaped beyond the abilities of common animals into a separate and superior classification of living things. In support of my contention that you're absolutely nuts, here's my Top Ten reasons supporting my other contention that human beings are just animals, just one more organism among millions of miraculous, complex works in progress, also in no particular order:

1. We bump into each other all the time. We're always saying excuse me, excuse me.

2. Somehow, that silly little patch of pubic hair.

3. What happens to us when someone jumps out and goes BOO.

4. The way we are when there's lightning and thunder.

5. That on-the-brink-of-drooling look on our faces, plus that cute little pelvis pumping thing we do, while mating.

6. How vague we are about what's going on behind us.

7. We are perennial cellar dwellers in The Five Senses League. Can you hear an earth worm? Can you smell me a mile away?

8. What our hearts do when we have no idea where we are.

9. Snoring.

10. How much we love -- just love -- snuggling up in the dark with other warm things.

BONUS OFF TOPIC COMMENT: We fuck things up for them much worse than they fuck things up for us, yet they don't team up and try to get rid of us. So far.

There. Take that. I rest my case.

Your Fan,

Waldo Mellon