10/29/2014 05:05 pm ET Updated Dec 29, 2014

How to Get Cheap Thrills This Halloween

Tip #1: Stop cleaning immediately.

This one should be obvious. After all, nothing says "haunted meth distribution center" more than a week's worth of crumbs and cat hair all over your floor. (If you have an incontinent baby or elderly parent, remove all diapers!) So put away the vacuum, put up your feet, and let the naturally woven cobwebs, ant colonies and your miserable, filthy squalor do the spooky decorating for you.

Tip #2: Stop grooming immediately.

For my money, there's nothing more frightening than a 40-year-old woman's face at 6 a.m. in the morning. (Of course, I'm just basing that on personal experience and the fact that last week the grocery store clerk called me "Sir.") But just imagine the abject terror on the little trick-or-treaters' faces when the lady of the house flings open the front door and they get an eyeful of her dark roots, unshaven legs and zit cream clomped onto her disgusting five o'clock shadow. Those little bastards won't sleep for days.

Tip #3: Hire some prostitutes.

Why waste money on decorative witches and skeletons when you can just click on Craigslist's "Gigs" section and invite a couple of scary-ass hoes to loiter in your front yard instead? Not only will Trixxie and She-manda give your neighbors a fright with their hollow eyes, oozing sores and realistic needle marks, but you're also entitled to 40% of the profits they make "trick-or-treating" with the weird, lonely dads in the crowd! (Per Lifetime movies, you are the "pimp" and they are the "Johns" and you might have to rough them up a little with your bare knuckles to teach them Respect.) Note: All hoes are way less decorative on November 1st and you will also get Hep C from them.

Tip #4: Bury dead people in your front yard.

Isn't it kind of ridiculous to spend tons of money on fake, decorative headstones when you could actually be earning money by turning your lawn into a real cemetery? Oh, sure, burying human remains in your front yard might violate multiple state and federal laws, but so what? It's not as stupid as building a golf course. Besides, just think of the thrill the neighborhood kids will have when they fall into a freshly made grave or two and enjoy the cold, deadly embrace of a corpse. Usually you have to be married for that to happen! (JK) But dead bodies are a priceless Halloween memory the kids and their parents' lawyers will never let you forget!

Tip #5: Tell everyone what your house is worth.

For this fun activity, do the following: Hang two pieces of cardboard on your front door. On one piece, write down how much you paid for your house when you bought it. On the other, write down the amount of your house's current market value. I know, EEEEK! You'll never be able to move away now, and that's horrifying for both you AND your neighbors.

Especially the ones who slept with Trixxie.