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04/29/2013 06:36 pm ET Updated Jun 29, 2013

5 Lists for People Who Need to Feel Included Among People Who Have Lists

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5 Things I Say Way Too Often

1. Do you need to go pee pee?
2. Do you need to go pee pee?
3. Do you need to go pee pee?
4. Enough with the f*cking Band-Aids already.
5. Is that pee pee?

5 Things I Hear Way Too Often

1. Mommy, wipe my butt!
2. I want a banana.
3. I broke the banana.
4. Mommy, fix the banana.
5. I want a banana.

1 Thing My Husband Never Says

Do you mind if I use your towel?

5 Foods I Can Eat My Weight In

1. Avocados.
2. Pasta.
3. Olives.
4. Anchovies.
5. Wine. (Shut up. That is a food.)

2 Things You Should Never Say to the Author of This Post

1. Is this supposed to be funny?
2. I ate all the pasta.

This was first published on Mama One to Three.