THE BLOG
02/12/2016 03:18 pm ET Updated Feb 11, 2017

Freedom Trumps View at 30,000 Feet

I love the view at 30,000 feet. It's one of the greatest things about flying. But unless the flight is under two hours, there's absolutely no way I'm putting two strangers between the lavatory and me. I'm what you call your classic aisle-seat person.

Flying for as many years as I have, and as often as I do, I've come to recognize certain characteristics that seem to define the aisle, middle, and window passenger archetypes.

Do I know for certain my analysis is accurate? Yes I do. And no, I don't care if you don't agree with me, because I am not a middle-seat person.

Aisle Person Archetype:
- You have to pee a lot.
- You have to pee even more often (or feel like you do) when your access to a bathroom is in any way restricted.
- You don't like having to ask permission to do things, especially when said things aren't things grown-ups should have to ask permission to do, because they are, in fact, grown up.
- The second you are done "eating" your "meal" you would prefer its remains no longer sit there being gross in front of you, and are therefore more than happy to bus your own tray table if the flight crew is taking too long. (I sound like a much worse person than I am. I swear. The food is just so smelly.)
- It's not that you aren't friendly -- you are! Or that you don't like meeting new people. You do!! Or that you don't like talking to folks on planes. You do, for like five, maybe 10 minutes! But Plane Time equals Quiet Me Time. That's one of flying's perks: Quiet Me Time.
- You are a kind and patient person who will always nicely reply, "No problem!" as you move out of the way so your seatmate(s) can exit the row.
- Similarly, you gravely dislike bothering other people, especially with your dumb personal stuff.
- You have ZERO patience for people who don't immediately jump to their feet and pull their luggage down from the overhead compartment ready to deplane the SECOND the captain gives the all clear. And no, I don't care, nor does it matter, if it's going to take 10 minutes for everyone in front of me to deplane anyways, so what's my rush (mean word)?

Middle Person Archetype:
- You remain unconvinced that it's okay not to sit next to the people you are traveling with, even if it means you have to suffer sitting in the middle seat. Please believe me when I tell you it will totally be okay. A parent obviously must stay with babies or young children, but everyone else can aisle- and window-it-up. For my entire life when my family travels together, we all sit in aisle seats. We yell at each other across the aisles. True story.
- You are under the age of -- I'm guessing -- five?
- You are calm, patient, and not easily aggravated.
- You don't find the humor (irony) in middle seats offering zero freedom of movement and yet still requiring occupants to get up and move whenever the window person needs out. It's literally the worst of both seat worlds, on top of just being a crappy seat.
- You may not have a very good sense of humor?
- You may not know the definition of irony?
- You are crazy. (Can you imagine you're interviewing a potential job candidate, and you're being clever by asking whether they consider themselves to be a "window" or "aisle" person, and instead they reply, "I'm a middle!" Interview, over.)
- You are not actually a middle person, but instead an aisle or window person stuck there for whatever reason. Perhaps the airline screwed you by switching your seat, or you forgot to book it. In either case, you wouldn't be there if you could help it.
- You are Bernie Sanders #SandersOnAPlane.

Window Person Archetype:
- You can hold it in for a very long time.
- You sleep A LOT.
- You need to lean against something that isn't just a neck pillow to sleep.
- You don't chill easily. Do you know how cold it is against the outside wall of the plane? It is very, very, very cold.
- You probably won't eat anything put in front of you.
- When awake, you will talk to anyone for any reason.
- You are very patient.
- You are very trusting.
- You are not shy about asking for what you want.
- But, you are okay with someone else being in charge.

Am I right? Where do you think Hillary, Katich, Rubio, Jeb, Cruz, and The Donald sit? Find me on Facebook comment below to let me know.

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