08/13/2008 10:25 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

* How'd you like to be the aide who had to inform the President that Russia invaded Georgia. "No, Atlanta is fine. Yes, the Braves are still playing."

* Well, we got bin Laden's driver. Now, if we can only put away his barber and his cleaning lady, we'll have him boxed in.

* George Bush gave a speech critical of China. In Thailand. Before he went to China. That is so George.

* Pentagon officials claim al Qaeda's #2 guy has been killed. Again. What is that: like the 16th time we've taken out their #2 guy? You know who I'd hate to be? al Qaeda's #3 guy.

* George Bush is scheduled to give a speech on the first day of the Republican Convention. My guess is it will be about 3 in the morning with his audience some security guard with a carpet sweeper.

* You got to feel sorry for George Bush. These days, he's about as relevant as a cow- catcher on a space shuttle.

* Karl Rove has been cited for contempt of Congress. To which a lot of us say, "Welcome to the club."

* Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was indicted on seven felony counts of bribery. How is a bribe is different than a campaign contribution? A campaign contribution has six syllables. A bribe only has one.

* President Bush complained that Wall Street got drunk and now has a hangover. Pretty nice talk from the bartender.

* Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick exchanged romantic text messages with women who weren't his wife or his Chief of Staff. Isn't that just like a politician: cheating on his mistress.

* I'm not sure Jesse Jackson realizes that when he publicly gets pissed off at Barack Obama, it is kind of like giving him the Honky Seal of Approval.

* President Bush has agreed to a time horizon, which is different than a timetable the way vertical moisture is different than rain.

* The last election hinged on who you'd rather have a beer with. This one is going to revolve around whom you'd rather eat with in a room without a defibrillator.

* The New Yorker magazine cover is just another example what happens when liberals try to help.

* I don't think John McCain is flip- flopping as much as just forgetting what his previous positions were.

* President Bush has pledged to do whatever he can to help John McCain win the White House. Which I assume means more overseas trips.

* Republicans are ratcheting up the Barack Obama attack machine. Next they'll say that being half black and half white is another example of flip-flopping.

* George Bush is like a stripper with hairy legs. Admittedly he has some really smooth moves, but even way back at the bar, you can tell something is horribly awry.

* Filling the tank of an SUV just crossed into 100 territory. Not to gloat, but as they say: "in every cloud... "