Outbreak of Deadly Swine-Flu Infects Cable News

05/28/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Increase in portly, pig-like humans on television has officials at the CDC concerned about possible epidemic. Symptoms include intense jowlification, bloated self-regard, and fever-inducing levels of absurd braying and snorting. (Fatal case seen above.)

Atlanta GA -- Officials at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a public health warning concerning the recent outbreak of swine-flu on cable, and even network news programs. Pundits and hosts from all three of the major networks, CNN, MSNBC, and FOX have reported symptoms of this latest outbreak of swine-flu, or pig-man disease. "The public should be aware of the symptoms and report any possible infections," said a doctor with the CDC involved in pandemic research, "though Anglo-Saxon males over the age of fifty are particularly at risk, any person displaying increased jowl-size, chubbiness, baldness, a pasty or pinkish complexion, and displaying abnormally high levels of smug bullshit should be considered a potential career of PM, or Pig Man's."

Officials at the CDC have urged the public to be aware of the potential risks involved in exposure to fever and nausea inducing sophistry, but not to panic. "No one in America has yet died of the cable television strain of swine-flu," said Dr. Margaret Cross with the Dept. of Health and Human Services, "thankfully over the years most Americans have dealt with some level of exposure to Pig Man's, and have developed some level of immunity to the claims of bloated, porcine men who appear on television." However, researchers at the World Health Organization are concerned that this latest strain may be even more virulent than previous outbreaks, citing abnormally high levels of douchebaggery, blatant hypocrisy, racist demagoguery and amoral equivocation.
PM bears many similarities to other degenerative neurological disorders such as Creutzfeldt-Jakob's disease, such as rapid and progressive dementia coupled with speech impairment that often results in carriers affecting a whiny, nasal, and high-pitch squeal, and an increased propensity to spout the latest pseudo-populist outrage.

The WHO fear these men and women are not just carrying the common 'douche-virus', but may be hosts for a mutated version which has elevated what would normally be a standard case of inflated self-image coupled with brutal lack of self-awareness to a possibly deadly hybrid of both the human douche and pig viruses, making them even more appalling and physically painful to look at.

"Cable and network news is a fertile breeding ground for this strain of the swine-flu," said Dr. Marvin Joseph an expert on Pandemics at Stanford Medical School. "Sadly, many TV producers do not take any of the common sense precautions that could stop an outbreak like this such as washing their hands with soap and water or not booking spokespeople from the National Organization for Marriage," continued Dr. Joseph, who claimed that the issues of torture and gay marriage are particularly strong vectors for Pig Man's, as they elicit a high level of inhuman disregard for the lives of others, moral posturing, and swine or stock-animal like behavior from the media elite, whose close contact with pig/human hybrids, and incestuous self-congratulation help to spread the disease.

The CDC has told citizens that precautions such as covering one's mouth when they cough, reading a book, or perhaps getting or even buying a fucking clue can help prevent and contain infection.