02/25/2009 02:49 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Official Leader Approved Guide to Suburban Survivalism

Hey remember the 90s? Back when Pearl Jam was your favorite band, ripped jeans and ear piercings were cool, you needed a land-line to use the Internet, and all across America a certain set of super-patriots loved their country so much they would meet up on the weekends, dress up like soldiers, play with guns, pretend to overthrow the democratically-elected government, and prepare for the coming one-world government holocaust and UN black helicopters? Convinced that their lives and rights were threatened by the state, a strange thing happened to these Costco paramilitaries at the end of the decade: A Republican became president, and the vast, nearly limitless power of the Federal Government ceased to be a compelling reason to pretend to secede from the country. Treason was out and Nationalism was in, but how about now that Obama is President? Answer? Sedition is IN IN IN!

You may ask yourself, "how is this any different than Civil War reenactments" or just a really angry and heavily armed community theater? The answer is those guys waste their time pretending to fight wars from the past, when the time is ripe to pretend to fight one from the future.

Via IOZ, Sadly No, and Mr. Green, it seems as though the hottest thing in the right-wing is "war-gaming" the coming "Bubba Revolution" or second Civil War. For those who don't know "War Gaming" is like playing, "Who Would You Rather....", but instead of imagining a scenario where you'd have a chance with Gisele, you imagine one where you have a chance with her after society collapses and she needs the food you've been hoarding in your guest house.

So, what are some helpful Dos and Don'ts now that it's cool again to openly "resist tyranny." As Glenn Beck says, he hopes none of this happens, but it would be irresponsible not to speculate what would happen when Helter Skelter starts.

Do: Start taping Rush and Hannity now, this can be easily accomplished with the purchase of blank audio tapes and a regular cassette-player/radio or "boom-box", when they're taken off the air and executed for loving America, you will still have someone telling you what to do.

Don't: Waste time growing your own food, if you have enough guns you can use them to acquire all the food you need from neighbors. Start making a list now of which families in your neighborhood are possibly traitors, and by traitors I mean they voted for Barack Obama, or possibly drive a nicer car than you. In fact, don't alter your lifestyle in anyway at all, you're a patriot, make others alter their lives.

Do: Keep your sense of humor! Third world armies of Mexi-Commies will be ransacking the country-side nationalizing jet-skis, HD TVs, and that Kindle you just bought, but that doesn't mean you have to surrender your biting wit, via Roy Edroso, the great Instapundit gives us a prime survivalist side-splitter:

$25.00 50 lbs of rice
$11.00 10 lbs of peanuts
$12.00 25 lbs of sugar
$27.00 60 lbs of flour
$34.00 50 lbs of dry beans
$14.00 05 lbs of dried milk
$18.00 6 #10 cans of misc veggies
$141.00 An additional 3 +/- months of grim eats emergency rations

The look on checkout girl's face when she figures out what's up....


Don't get it? He's a survivalist that's shopping! At a super-market! And for some reason, intimidating a young woman with ten pounds of peanuts! Actually I don't get it either.

Don't: Automatically assume that ass-less leather chaps and hockey masks will be "in" when our society and economy collapse, some Land's End chino shorts and a tucked in Polo is both functional and appropriate for the coming race war. Just imagine you're on vacation in Europe or California, which are both full of socialists and brown people, just like the future! You can even wear a fanny-pack, but instead of a camera or Let's Go! guidebook, you can fill it with ammunition.
Collapse of Society Fashion Faux Pas to...

...Apocalypse Wow!

Do: Shoot first.

Don't: Ask questions.

Mobility or health need not be an impediment to fighting tyranny or conquering Lefto-emasculationist forces, just look at all the good the Internet has done in that regard.

Do: Make sure to regularly check your blood sugar. Nothing stops a counter-attack on Islamo-Feminism faster than Type II Diabetes. If you have already been immobilized by the constant pain in your feet, or gout, then make sure to "Up-Armor" your Rascal Scooter.

and finally,

Don't: Get too carried away, though it may seem like America has been radically and irreversibly altered in a few short weeks, but there is always a chance that in a few years, through our democratic system, the pendulum of power will swing back to the party you like and the check-out girls you've been keeping safe in your rec-room will probably be tired of Wii bowling, and want to go home. The bright side is you will be well-prepared to defend our divinely-ordained government and constitution from traitors and subversives who deep down hate this country, blame it for the conditions of their pathetic lives, and want it to fail because only then can they imagine a world where their ridiculous beliefs are validated, and they are respected.