08/31/2012 05:25 pm ET Updated Oct 31, 2012

I Will Be Your Common Enemy

I know a lot of people who hate President Obama. By the sound of their Facebook statuses, you would think that the president murdered their cats or had sex with their girlfriends. The mention of his name evokes a level of rage not even used for terrorists. That can't be good.

Similarly, I know a lot of people who hate Mitt Romney. I don't think their level of rage is quite at Antichrist levels, but they speak of Romney the same way people talk about a terrible date they went on. They focus on the gaffes, feel dramatically superior, and would do anything not to have to see him again.

I would like to volunteer to be so disliked that partisans of Obama and Romney can stop their hatred of each other and unite to detest me, Will Newman. This will be my contribution to the national dialogue.

I have blown my nose in bed sheets. I will probably do it again soon. Sometimes you just don't have a napkin nearby, and no one is around, and your nose is stuffed.

I threw a bunch of White Castle burgers at someone I didn't like. White Castle burgers are very inexpensive and, when snowballs are unavailable, make an effective substitute. Plus, you can purchase a "Crave Case" of like 20 burgers, which makes it easier to acquire enough ammunition without attracting the suspicion of the White Castle cashier.

I don't like old people. They all think they're better than me.

I lie to homeless people. I tell them I don't have change, when in reality, I am freaking made of change. I could do laundry at any given moment.

I am a huge freeloader of pornography. With very minor exceptions, I have never paid for adult material, and yet I have exposed myself to torrents of it. Some gaffer or fluffer or sound guy probably got laid off because of my selfishness.

For someone who has tried very hard to get women to sleep with me, I am just awful at sex. I don't even think what I do technically constitutes sex. Imagine an infomercial that begs you for hours to call in and buy knives. And then when you finally relent, in hour two, and call in, they tell you never mind, all of the knives went limp. That's me.

I hate brushing my teeth. Taking a gross stick with soap on it and waving it around my mouth is disgusting. But I do it for the people around me. And this makes me angry at every person I encounter for the rest of the day. Including you, if we ever met.

I steal drinks at bars. Drinks are expensive and sobriety is boring. If you leave your drink unattended, I will pounce at it like an alcoholic lion.

I'm a terrible tipper. I do not like the American system of adding gratuity and I have decided to take that out on the low-paid workers who did not make those rules. And I draw boobs (with nipples) on every receipt I sign.

I hope that this has helped make some people hate me. And I guarantee you that someone across the political spectrum from you also hates me for the same reason. So make friends or make out or work together to solve problems.

And if you don't hate me for the above, what kind of horrible person are you?