09/07/2012 11:44 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Church Bulletin: Brothers and Sisters, It's Time for a Traditional Marriage Sunday!

Dear Parishioners:

As you know, the assault on marriage and the family continues. We must be ever-vigilant in our defense of this most holy and unchanging union. Therefore, next week we will work to thwart the redefinition of marriage by celebrating "Traditional Marriage Sunday," which will take place immediately following Sunday services. I hope that you will join me for this most important event.

But who says discrimination has to be boring? Not we! We've lined up some fun and educational activities to showcase "traditional marriage." Here are just a few zany highlights:

  • Arrange my marriage!: Do you have a single daughter? Are you concerned about her future? Then join us while our esteemed organist, Miss Bee Onsay, plays her own rendition of "Single Ladies" on the Wurlitzer as we pull photos from a boy grab bag and girl grab bag to arrange the perfect marriage! This one is sure to fill up quickly, so please add your progeny's name to the sign-up list and bring a 5x7 photo with your child's name written in indelible ink on the back.
  • "Count the Wives" Duck Pond: Think you know how many wives each biblical man had? The rules are simple: We give you a name, and you pull the duck from the pond with the correct number. Easy peasy, right? But wait, "one" is rarely the answer. How many wives did Solomon have? Don't even get us started!
  • Take My Widow... Please? Have a childless, widowed sister-in-law? Join this discussion group and help a sister out. Are you confused by Leviticus and Deuteronomy's conflicting advice on the subject? Marry her, don't marry her, get her pregnant -- what's a brother to do? We'll discuss the finer points and bring a conclusion to this interesting and perplexing conundrum.
  • Medieval Marriage Cake Walk: Political intrigue! Secrets! War! Royalty! Are you a pawn, a knight, a king, or a queen (not that kind!)? This game will be sure to please and enlighten you on the mystery of medieval marriages, when women were sold like property to create strategic political alliances. Sound like chess? It is! If you get checkmate, then you're going home with one of Miss Mary Lou's tasty wedding cakes!

2012-09-05-chik.pngNow, all this tomfoolery in the name of good old-fashioned values will be sure to leave you famished. You'll be pleased to know that Miss Cosher's delicious shrimp salad will be on sale, and now for the surprise news: Chick-fil-A will serve chicken sandwiches dripping in their brand new Antigé sauce! Sounds French, but you'll forgive them for that when you try this new devilishly hot sauce that puts the "ate" in hate!

Now, brothers and sisters, some serious news: As you know, there were some unfortunate photos that have surfaced of yours truly while I attempted to help an errant sheep get back over his fence. Brother Levi T. Cuss will be selling his wonderful cotton poly-blend T-shirts to help raise funds for my court battle with PETA. You will love these: Stains don't stick, so they stay miraculously clean.

So come on out (unless you're gay) and help us preserve marriage by honoring our traditions.

The Most Reverend Whatawaste

This post appeared in a modified version on William Dameron's blog, The Authentic Life.