An expert commission of African leaders today announced their plan for comprehensive reform of music band U2, according to unconfirmed and, frankly, fictional sources. Saying that U2's rock had lost touch with its African roots, the Commission called for urgent measures to halt U2's slide towards impending crisis.
"Our youth today are imperiled by low quality music," said Commission chairman Nelson Mandela. "We will be lending African musicians to U2 to try to refurbish their sound to satisfy the urgent and growing needs for diversionary entertainment at a time of crisis in the global music and financial sectors."
Concerns about U2 have been growing in Africa and in aid circles for a while. One Western aid blogger testified to the Commission that his teenage kids found U2's music "cheesy." The Mandela Commission proposed that U2 follow a series of steps in order to recover its Edge:
(1)Hire African consultants to analyze U2's "poverty of music trap"
(2)Prepare a Band-owned and Commission-approved Comprehensive U2 Reform Strategy Design (CURSD)
(3)Undertake a rehabilitation tour of African capitals to field-test and ground-truth proposed reforms
(4)Subject all songs to randomized field experiments in which the effect on wellbeing of control and treatment groups is rigorously assessed.
Mandela expressed optimism that the Commission's report and proposed reforms had come in time to stave off terminal crisis in U2, and restore its effectiveness in the '80s arena rock field.