10/01/2012 05:23 pm ET Updated Dec 01, 2012

Mother, I'm A Butt-Chugger

Dear mother,

I'm writing you this letter and publishing it on the internet rather than mailing it to you directly because no one mails anything anymore. Look at the Post Office. What even happens inside? Instead, people write very personal letters for everyone to read, imagining through the miracle of virality that their greater points are shared for further comment. It's very popular. Don't fear if you don't understand, though. It's indeed a strange generation to which I belong.

On this subject of new things that could seem strange initially, and to get to the point of this letter, I am a butt-chugger. This means that I drink booze with a hose through my ass. When did I start? I'll spare you the details. Why do I do this at all, you ask? It's different and new. It's chilly! And for these reasons:

A. It's economical, efficient and gets me to bed on time. Having cleared the initial cost from the hose and funnel, I have to buy fewer drinks. I need to talk to everyone I know before I go out. Someone could be doing something better! While texting is fast, it consumes a lot of my time, and even when I get everyone together no one really has a strong decision regarding what to do. This is annoying, so I appreciate that I feel the effect of my drink very suddenly.

B. This IS a phase, so don't worry! I wasn't born this way. I won't embarrass you at the wedding by dumping a bottle of Brut in my butt. Let's not get mother-activists involved.

C. I do it in moderation. "Butt-chugging" is a problematic term. It's not representative of my experiences. If anything, I butt-sip, and I have a glass of water between drinks. I'm not butt-chugging while driving. That's nearly impossible. Media reports have so far called it a mostly-frat-related experience, as if I have a bunch of bros circling me and chanting. Sure, that could happen. But it doesn't apply. Sometimes, I just pop in a movie and pour myself some wine like you do (but I avoid spicy reds.) There is no problem to speak of here. Of course, if something develops, I'll get off my beverage and do something about it.

Please get past the shock and consider this instead. Other kids drink in ways stupider, more reckless and less healthful than I do. Do not make this an issue just because my drinks are delivered differently. Sure, you can die from butt-chugging. We saw this on "1,000 Ways To Die." But how many other ways surfaced first? For that reason, let's identify the root cause of the real issue. A student was forced to butt-chug and almost died, according to police reports. He denies this, and I might too if I were horribly embarrassed in this way. He was forced to drink too much. Students shouldn't force anyone to drink or do anything else. God knows there are enough reasons to drink without counting "Some dope is forcing me to" as one them. Students are hazing one another into abusing their bodies in ways they don't understand at colleges across the country -- they just understand butt-chugging a little less. Exhibit A: who drinks wine from a bag? It's a red herring for a bad evening, and the brakes should be pumped right there.

Clearly, these frat kids are butt-chugging amateurs, so don't classify me when you wonder how I'm doing. I'm good! Consider this more dangerous issue, and get off of my ass! It's been a long day, and I need a cocktail.

Clarification: Will McGuinness doesn't actually drink with his butt.