02/02/2015 11:51 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

LOL-Worthy Dating Advice From My Six Kids, Ages 8-20

By Dawn Marie for YourTango

For the first time ever, I talked to my kids about dating without lecturing them about dating. This time was different because I was asking for dating advice for me, their mom. I have six kids -- three girls and three boys -- aged 8 to 20, so as you can imagine, their answers were quite varied. I've been divorced for about five years now and always just assumed my kids wouldn't want me to date. I was surprised to learn that wasn't the case at all. Take a look:

Austin, age 20

My advice to you is to stop. Don't do it. People are crazy nowadays. But if you do date, learn to accept love, you must (said in the creepiest Yoda voice ever.)


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Savannah, age 18

Don't be afraid to be yourself because you want them to like who you are rather than who you portray yourself to be. Don't say you're hilarious, Mom. You aren't. Find someone who's rich and has a summer home and a winter home and doesn't have kids. He has to be sarcastic. He can't have any missing teeth.


Lexington, age 13

You told me I can't date until I'm 35 so I have no idea. Find someone who likes kids and is respectful. He should have a good accent, like an Australian accent. You should always look nice and have on makeup.


Jackson, age 16

Dating sucks! Be open and honest, tell each other everything, spend time together, constantly remind the other person about how much you care for them, do small little things to make the other person's day better, talk, learn about each other. You should date someone funny and kind.


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Clayton, age 11

Don't ask him for any money because he will think you are desperate. Pick out nice clothes. He shouldn't be that old, maybe 38-47. The person should be able to take care of you, like being able to clean up puke and take care of you when you're sick.


Brooklyn, age 8

Don't talk in a creepy Yoda voice like Austin, Mom. When you go out to dinner, don't chew with your mouth open. Don't look at him like this (demonstrates ugly face) or he'll think you're demented. You should look for someone nice who will help you with your kids. He can't be too normal or we'll be sitting around the dinner table, saying, "Pass the salt please (with a British accent)" instead of being crazy like we usually are. He should be your age or younger. Always have breath mints in case your breath stinks or he'll be like, "Ewwwww! Your breath stinks! I'm outta here!" You should always carry gum so if he asks for gum, you won't be like, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't have any." And don't burp or fart on your dates.


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There you have it. Dating advice from my kids. Apparently I need to accept love, find a man who is my age or younger, is rich, has all his teeth, doesn't have kids, can clean up puke, is kind and respectful, is sarcastic, isn't too normal, has two homes, and has an Australian accent. I think I may just get a cat instead.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.