Recently, a Facebook Superstar! --a Facebook addict totally enamored with his own, often manufactured, always delusional Facebook fame--sent me an invite to attend a grand opening event. I agreed to meet him there, as this Facebook Superstar! is also a media colleague and I believed the invite--sent via Facebook, of course--was purely professional.
It wasn't professional at all--to my astonishment, my colleague presented me as his date and reserved a table for the two of us. Our meals were complimentary, on the establishment's dime.
I didn't eat a thing; instead, I secretly plotted my escape route while the Facebook Superstar! pitched his qualifications as Chicago's Hottest Bachelor.
Five minutes into his soliloquy about how he could play the lead role in Hung, I reached into my purse, covertly called myself, feigned an emergency, and then bolted.
How very tacky.
Somewhere along the line, the Facebook Superstar! confused Tweeting Up with courtship. It has come to my attention that he's not the only online Casanova making this mistake in real life.
Without further ado, here are three fail-proof rules of courting a lady, for Facebook Superstars!
Three Fail-Proof Rules of Courtship
#1: Communicate with us, the old fashioned way.
You're a Facebook Superstar! We get that.
But get this: We like compliments and conversation to back up the texts and tweets. We like to know what you're thinking, especially if what you're thinking includes our future together--or apart. You don't have to lie if things aren't working out, but your honesty shouldn't be hurtful--save the name calling and ego potshots for your friends. Nobody's perfect--constructive criticism is welcomed, destructive dialogue is not.
#2: Recession-Proof the Romance
But if we peep you splurging on yourself, you're sending a different message altogether and you'd better get your date budget in order. Set your priorities: If you've got the new iPhone, and we haven't been on a date in more than a month, there's a problem. If you've spent $100 at the new gentleman's club, and we haven't received flowers or our favorite candy in ages, there's an even bigger problem.
If you like us prove it, pony up--and take us out on the town. True, love doesn't cost a thing, but that doesn't mean you receive endless freebies.
#3: Discretion is Golden.
We recognize that dating a Facebook Superstar! is a high stakes game. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out, but that doesn't mean we must engage in mortal combat. So, let's not fight, okay?
Don't advertise our intimate dealings to your friends or, (gasp!) online. Don't ambush our other Facebook friends with the seedy details of the breakup. Don't invade our social networking sites with fake profiles to monitor our whereabouts.
If things ended badly and you're not so interested in protecting our reputation, think about your own.
The hardest decision in life is recognizing which bridge to cross and which one to burn, you're a Facebook Superstar!, so perhaps it's wise to keep them all intact.