THE BLOG
03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Eight Resolutions for the Evil Boss

Well, Happy New Year Evil Boss.

Here we are, another year, another term for you to hold on to that corner office by the hair of your devil horns. In the effort to make 2010 more productive for the company and more bearable for your suffering workforce, the company worker bees have a few resolutions for you to consider.

Or else.

1.
First and foremost, please reacquaint yourselves with your worker bees' rights as your employees. Please behave accordingly.

2.
Prior to downsizing or eliminating a complete department, please double-check your manager's hit list. You may be surprised to find that the most resourceful, dedicated, hardworking worker bees are rarely given due credit, and have been sacrificed for the manager's clique. The last thing you'd want is a department filled with inept 'yes men' and office politicians.

3.
Immediately address the worker bees--in laymen's terms--when announcing new company policies, decisions, lay-offs, takeovers, mergers, etc., as such decisions affect the day-to-day operations in ways you may never know.

4.
Don't play with your worker bees' emotions; if you know that a worker bee's position is on the chopping block, let the worker bee know, immediately. Please release the downsized worker bee in person and in the most professional and discreet manner possible. It is inappropriate to terminate a worker bee via text, e-mail or--gasp!--a Facebook status update. Please provide exit interviews and resources so that your former worker bees may learn of new educational and employment opportunities.

5.
Do not permit the intimidation of your worker bees. If there is a complaint of workplace bullying, please investigate. A checks-and-balances system should exist at every level, for the best interest of your worker bees and for your bottom line. Remember, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

6.Your worker bee has a very full life outside of their daily duties. In order to be the most effective and efficient worker bee, the worker bee must keep their work life separated from their personal life. Please respect this boundary as well. On that note, your worker bees are not mercenaries, or indentured servants. If they perform the work, they expect to get paid. Your compliments don't feed the kids or the cats; pay them and pay them fairly.

7.
If you are in a recovery mode, please rehire accordingly. Please refrain from holding the 'insecure job market' over your worker bees' heads as you stealthily pile on more (non-compensated) duties on the skeletal work force.

8.
Finally, Evil Boss, please leave your exaggerated sense of self at home. Your worker bee's position as a subordinate applies only in the capacity as your employee; subordinate is not the worker bee's designated position in life. Believe it or not, we are all equal human beings in the big scheme of things.

Sincerely,
Your worker bees