Wedding speeches can be a bit hit-or-miss. For every well-wisher who knocks it out of the park with a warm, big-hearted spiel about the couple, there’s a groomsman or old friend who goes hard on the open bar, overshares, and as a result, never gets to see the couple again.
Need proof of how bad wedding speeches can get? We recently asked comedians to share the weirdest, most half-assed wedding speeches they’d ever had the displeasure of hearing. See what they had to say below.
The DUI-er
“At my second wedding, my husband Mike’s uncle stood up and gave a toast about how everyone rallied around him after his first DUI, but after his second and third DUI, Mike was the only person that stayed by his side. That’s how he knew Mike would make a great husband, he said. He closed out the toast by telling everyone to not drink and drive as he downed a glass of champagne.” ― Mara Marek
The Not-So-Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
“I was at a wedding in upstate New York where the maid of honor was trying to be a comic after watching ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.’ We were all really excited about her speech because we wanted to see her standup. The first line of her speech ― ‘I want to congratulate my best friend for marrying a guy with abs’ ― was met with polite laughs, which she followed with, ‘And what’s better than a guy with abs? Not having herpes.’ Despite the silence and horrified faces, she continued the surprise roast with lines like, ‘Can’t wait till we’re all together again for granny’s funeral,’ and ‘Most marriages end in divorce but yours is special. It will end in homicide. Not sure who will kill who, but it will definitely be in self-defense.’ Although she was probably only talking for about two minutes before the DJ played her off with the ‘Austin Powers’ theme, it felt like an eternity. After the speeches, the mother of the bride spent a good hour berating her near the bathrooms. Hopefully, they’ll cover how to read a room in Season Two of ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.’” ― Elise Golgowski
The Catfished Best Man
“The best man invited his ‘online girlfriend’ Nicole to the wedding, and she said maybe, if he’d pay to fly her there. She was pretty obviously catfishing him. Day of the wedding, Nicole is a no-show, no-call, and he has to change his speech in the hallway to take out all the references to his girlfriend (focus on the bride and groom next time, guy). The speech went pretty well until he just blurts out, ‘Nicole stole my money, didn’t she?’” ― Allison Mick
The Racial Unifier
“After a number of heartfelt speeches from our closest friends at our wedding, my televangelist father-in-law got up to give one. My husband and I aren’t religious, our friends are comprised of comedians, performers and activists of color. We even made it a point to not make the ceremony traditional in a religious sense; our queer friend performed the ceremony for us. Needless to say, my Southern, white father-in-law who preaches at a megachurch might’ve felt like the odd man out. He walked up to the stage where my husband and I were sitting, grabbed the microphone from the stand and began to preach about bridging the gap between different types of people. Why? Nobody else pointed differences out. I sat there, thinking he was recycling an old sermon, listening at the edge of my seat while wearing a traditional Chinese qipao. ‘I see there’s a large Asian contingency here,’ he said out of nowhere. The crowd of 180 people gasped. Then suddenly, almost screaming, he goes, ‘...and I LOVE THE ASIANS.’ The crowd laughed uncomfortably. My husband then motioned for him to please wrap it up.” ― Atsuko Okatsuka
Grandpa Grumps
“When my brother-in-law got married to a British barfly he only knew for a few months, we were convinced his bride-to-be was marrying him for citizenship. During the wedding toast, his granddad spoke about lifelong partnership and soulmates and moved us all to tears with his sincere well-wishes for the both of them. There was one small problem. Granddad was somewhat hard of hearing and spoke very loudly. When he sat down, he whispered in a voice the whole room could hear, ‘That’ll never last. I give it six months, tops.’ The bride’s face turned as white as her dress. Turns out, he was wrong. They lasted 12 months. The exact minimum number of months it took to become a U.S. citizen!” ― Janet Quinonez
The Groom From Hell
“My Polish friend had her wedding on Valentine’s Day in Hollywood, which is how most modern nightmares begin. During the *dry* reception, her delightful husband relieved his best man from giving the speech so he could deliver a 20-minute monologue referring to the bride as his ‘starter wife.’ As if that isn’t cute enough, he also told me and the other 75 guests that since she is starting a new life with him, she wouldn’t be seeing any of her old friends or speaking her native language anymore. Last I heard from my friend, she ran off to Poland after they had gotten divorced a few months later.” ― Harper-Rose Drummond
The Bocelli Bro
“I was at a fraternity brother’s wedding. He made a weird, I don’t know, bet? We’ll call it a bet. He made a bet with his best man when they were kids, whoever got married first, the other would have to sing ‘Por Ti Volare’ ― that popular Andrea Bocelli song ― at the other guy’s wedding. Kurt got married first, so Tyler had to sing. All great, except that no one knew about the bet until afterward, so as a member of the audience, this was just a dude singing a love-themed opera ballad to another dude out of nowhere.” ― Jake Beckman
The Wildly Off-Topic Best Man
“I was at some wedding, and the best man gave a speech about his friend that involved a weird, brief, drunken tangent about not trusting people from Uruguay (neither he, the bride, nor the groom are from Uruguay. I guess this guy just had his wallet stolen there?). There’s really no room for ethnic commentary in wedding speeches; everyone just sort of silently made eye contact, grabbed onto their chairs, and prayed this sentence would end and he’d bring it back to how much Peter and Andie love each other.” ― Dan Perlman
The Pogo Sister
“The groom had previously dated the sister of the bride. At their wedding, the sister was the maid of honor. During her speech, she joked about how she was such a good sister for vetting him first, both physically and mentally, before letting him marry her sister. It was taking pogo sisters to a whole new level!” - Date/able podcast host Yue Xu
The Vaguely Racist Dad
“In 2007, I went to an Irish wedding in my hometown of San Francisco. During the reception, the father stood up and gave a drunken toast where he said, ‘You dated a lot of other kinds of guys, but I’m glad you kept it Irish, angel.’ Then he gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. I’m black. Everyone (including my then-Irish date) at my table looked at me and said, ‘We are soooo sorry.’ I joked, ‘Wait, you guys think I’m black? I don’t believe in race. So he’s just a drunk asshole who just ruined his daughter’s wedding party. Can somebody pass the pepper?’” ― Kaseem Bentley
The Barcelonian By Way Of Irvine
“I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding, and one of the other bridesmaids flew in from Spain for the ceremony and apparently had gone Lindsay Lohan with a fully adopted Barcelona accent. It was like, ‘Bitch, you grew up in Irvine; WE KNEW YOU BEFORE YOU MOVED. FOR A LONG TIME.’ It was truly one of the most insane things. The balls it must take to fully commit to a full-time accent and then to unabashedly publicly speak with it at a wedding ― it’s so funny to me to this day. She tearfully gave a speech with a lisp! She still speaks with a lisp to this day. A blonde girl from Irvine.” ― Blair Socci
The Marrying Type
“A groom’s speech I heard this past summer was funny, touching, then awkward. It ended with: ‘So let’s all raise a glass to my FIRST wife.’” ― Christina Igaraividez
The Pious Bridesmaid
“I went to my extremely religious friend’s wedding three days after filing for my own divorce ― but I forgot to retract my plus-one. A bridesmaid asked me where my husband was. Against my better judgment, I quietly admitted to her that I had asked for a separation. It took a few seconds for me to realize that I had just copped the ultimate lady-sin to Aunt Lydia from The Handmaid’s Tale, and she was not happy about it. Auntie Lydz later turned her entire wedding toast into a spontaneous sermon about the sanctity of marriage, directed solely at me, of course. She hoped that the bride would submit to her husband the way God commanded, unlike some women in the room. Her words were, ‘Best wishes to the happy couple,’ but her eyes, face and general vibe said to me ‘Burn in hell, you unwashed heathen.’” ― Vanessa Gritton
The IDGAF Uncle
“I went to one wedding where the bride’s whole family hated the man she was marrying. When it came time for speeches, her uncle gave the toast: ‘Sometimes you just gotta rock on and move on.’ And that was it. That was the whole thing.” ― David Drake
Want to give a wedding speech that doesn’t suck like the ones above? Here’s our handy guide for writing a wedding speech when you’re not a trained writer or comedian.
