God Said Ha!: Pat Robertson Suggests Divine Forces Aligning Against Giuliani

GOP presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani has found himself out of the center of attention lately, mainly because he's adopted a strategy that's been almost universally pooh-poohed. That strategy? Hide out in Florida, lose every single primary, then fly to Minneapolis in the fall to hold a super-secret Republican Convention in the Larry Craig Memorial Airport Restroom, where he'll declare that it's opposite day, crown himself the King of 9-11 and immediately repeal the Third Amendment to the Constitution so that Americans will be forced to quarter Bernard Kerik in their homes so he can bang the lovely ladies of News Corp. on our kitchen tables.

As a result, Rudy has not been part of the ongoing media conversation because just about every pundit, expert, celebrity, murderous zoo tiger and genetic offspring of Britney Spears says that Rudy's strategy is never, never, never ever, never times googolplex times infinity plus one going to work.

But at least one entity is still talking about Giuliani. And that's God, apparently! The Creator recently spoke to cornpone religious zealot Pat Robertson about what a fool he was to endorse Giuliani, and Robertson, in turn, went on Hannity and Colmes to sit there in a heavy-lidded, giggly stupor and relate this embarrassing comeuppance at the hands of the Almighty to the world. You've got great surrogates, Rudy!

It was unconfirmed at press time whether the Lord had similarly disavowed Robertson's "age-defying shakes," but we're pretty certain you ought to stick with Pinkberry for the time being.